Grey Matters

I don't know if I wrote that right but I meant to say the death of the joy of life. I noticed it about a week after he was gone... From my mind that is. Despite our very vibrant sex life I never once recalled any of our 'sessions'. It seemed that I had put everything that related to him out of my mind, because even when I tried all I got were very tiny bits of vague memories. And it's still like that now. And not just with him, but with any man. No man including The Ex turns me on. ( Well, M did for a hot minute, but without follow up it went as it came.) I know my heart is still mourning. And my body sympathises... It just bothers me 'cos it came out of nowhere, and I wonder if I'll ever know what it's like to feel it again. Not the feeling of lust - that's easy to get- but the feeling of abandon and ecstasy and security that comes with knowing someone has got your back, somewhere. Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

So I know that I am famous for taking forever in making my decisions but this takes the cake. Really. I feel like I am in the middle of a major change in my life's direction. I feel that whatever decision I take now is absolutely crucial to my way forward for the rest of my life. In the next few months I will either go bust or get the best direction I need in my life. I hope I will not be making a mistake, cos it seems as if when I make one decision, I should have made another. And I feel so alone cos there's no-one but my immediate family standing by me. And my best friend's. God bless them both. Lord help me; to see results from my labour in whatever direction, to see beyond my limitations and to break through the dark clouds. Amen Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

She's really gone. I cannot believe it. It's been 5 long years of closeness, and I saw her almost everyday! She was with me when one reckless lorry driver ran into us because he had no brakes. She came out slightly bruised and I badly shaken. She was there when I gave rides to the German film crew, the Endemol team, Uncle Olu Jacobs, Aunty Taiwo Ajai Lycet, and so on. She suffered with me through Aunty Bisi's maniacal driving, through those early mornings when we went seeking interviews with victims of human rights violations, through the different indifferent 'boyfriends', through my struggle for survival and unemployment. I remember when Daddy met her he wept with joy, happy at his daughter's maturity. And now she's gone. I know I let her go but it was reluctantly. I knew she had passed her prime, and was becoming more of a burden. I watched as strangers opened her up and rummaged through her insides, inspecting her almost disrespectfully. But I