Grey Matters

This will be the last time this blog will be open to the public. It was an uneasy décision but I believe the best thing is to make this blog private. I struggled with the increasingly nagging suspicion that I had evolved beyond the woman who began this; and now I am forced to see it's true. My initial idea was to shut it down completely but I realise I still need it to see where I have comé from. My new self, I am pouring somewhere else, that location is not hidden, but so that I am not seen in the light of this one, I will not reveal it. Thank you to all who stopped by and read what some random girl had to say. Chili --

My daughter turns 2 in a few days and I thought I should do something nice for her to remember, especially as she has been seriously ill with an infection and needs à bit of cheering up. So I went to the babystore I patronise regularly to see if there was anything she would like. (How I would pay for it was à different story altogether, but I wasn't thinking about that just yet.) To cut a long story short, the lady owner told me she just got some toys and brought à large carton over to me. I picked out à toy kitchen set, complète with plastic pots, spoons, whisk, griddles and à stove! I knew my daughter would love that, and it would save us the headache of her banging our pots and pans. I also picked out an alphabet building block set that fit together like legos. I then asked her the cost and to my surprise they came to just over 2000 naira! I was overjoyed because I felt even if I didnt have any money that amount would not be hard to raise. I begged ...

From this day forward, I promise to do my utmost to nuture, honour and respect my body and myself. I will no longer deride my looks but instead encourage myself to be the way I want to be. I will engage in physical and nutritional discipline that will be the precpitator of that change. I will desist from eating things which are harmful to my health or which add no value to my nutritional goals. Most of all I will draw strength from my heavenly Father through whom I can do all things. So help me God 'chili!' --

I've never approached Christmas the way I am now. With fear; even, dread, à little joy, and sadness. The reason is obvious, it's supposed to be a time to celebrate but if I counted my blessings, I cant celebrate:). Literally. It's been one of the worst years ever and I dread à new one. Yes, I know, 'thank God for life'. It's in the living that the problèm lies. But the great thing about the human spirit is its ability/desire to keep on. Regardless.

Some painful things you just block away subconsciously because your mind finds it hard to deal with. But sometimes they come flooding back. I remember when I went for the first scan for my pregnancy, I was maybe 10 or so weeks pregnant. The scan saw a gestational sac, that is the bag of water where the baby stays in the womb, but could not detect any heartbeat. The conclusion was that I had a blighted ovum. (This happens when fertilisation of the sperm and ovum actually occurs but the result does not form properly. A kind of false conception.) I was partly sad and partly relieved. I wondered if I could not have a child, and if I did anything to cause this one from developing properly. Anyway, I was sent away and asked to come for another scan in about two weeks or so (I can’t quite remember now). As God would have it, a few days later, I began bleeding. I rushed to the doctor and was sent for another scan and there they saw a healthy, happy overactive embryo, happily swimming awa...

Hey Folks, I had a pretty awful day yesterday and I still feel bad about it. So out of the blues a generous friend of mine sent me 10K. I was ecstatic because it meant that I could afford milk and nappies for my baby especially as she was close to running out. I spent 2k on some essentials and planned to go to the market the next day to get my baby's supplies. Now, lately I would rather not drive to the market on Mission road, here in Benin; parking is torture and backing out is even worse. You have to contend with human and vehicular traffic!Anyway, that day, because my mum sent me on some errands close to the market, I thought it would make sensé to save the 'okada' fare I would have spent the next day, if I just went to the market from there. As I drove in I noticed that the low barricades on both sides of the road had been broken, making it impossible for cars to drive in and park, with their bumpers close to the stalls and their backs to the streets, as was the usu...

It's the 1st of August today, and the reality of my situation presses down harder, squeezing the joy out of my life, and the breath from it's desire to live. Talking about my problems in fora like this is a problem for me. I feel stupid and weak for having these issues, I only hear those laughing at me... But i shall speak tonight because if i don't I just might choke to death. ' I thank whatever gods may be/ For my unconquerable soul' - Invictus The only reason I am alive today, and still breathing- because I could easily have taken my own life a very long time ago- is because of my daughter. She didn't ask to be born and she deserves better- much better. Yet it is quite tough because of her. I never knew what it took to raise a child, that is not to say had I known I would have gotten rid of the pregnancy. Absolutely not. Even when her father was screaming at me over the phone and asking why I was after him, even when I lost my job and consequent ability...