Sufficiency Matters
It's possible it's me. I've been accused of being a perfectionist, having unrealistic expectations and views of life. A little part of me agrees with that. I see that I regularly get disappointed and dissatisfied with both mine and others results. But the other part of me rebels against that idea. In several aspects of my life I don't ask for much. A lot of people including Snuffy have said so. I know it myself. I just need to be above average. It's in my work that I attempt perfection; and like it or not, I (believe that I) am defined by my work- and that is how I assess everyone else.
I lie on my bed in this hotel room in Port Harcourt, on yet another business trip, apprehensive of the outcome of the assignment I am about to execute. Not because it is necessarily technical or voluminous but because the clients are problematic and keep changing ideas at every possible moment , without regard to the practicability of the idea. And I can't even as much as threaten to quit out of frustration: my company thinks they need the business. The fact that they are the 2nd most stingy, most problematic client that we have! And to further compound the situation, I don't like my job. The duties bore me, I am starving my soul. I do not feel I am making a difference. A year or two ago I would have quit just for these reasons without giving it a second thought, and without a fallback plan. I have done it at least 6 times. But not now. For the first time I am receiving a regular salary. For the first time I am working for money, little money, but money all the same.
Some people may call it 'being an adult', 'financial wisdom', for me it' s the rat race. The never-ending pursuit for the elusive-maybe non-existent- good life.
And at night I go home and turn the key and there's no-one there. No-one. For those who know me my views on marriage haven't changed; I still feel it's unnecessary, impractical. I just need companionship, like everyone else, but a lot of factors stand in my way, the major factor being myself. Lagos, life, men, and friendships have made me so hard. Sometimes my coldness, and indifference to my own family, my dear brothers with whom I grew up amazes me. I reduce all they say to how much it costs me, how much I am expected to spend. And I can't tell how much that hurts them, but it kills me to go that way. The very attitude I detested in my father is the attitude I have nutured. I assess everything froma perspective of materialism. God forgive me.
And as for relationships, all the years of hurt have made me ... they call it strong, I call it paranoid. To me no man is good enough, no man is honest. And when you think like that who do you attract? The same type you are avoiding.
I hate where I am now: the point when you feel you are 'no longer a child' and you can't take risks anymore, or you must accept anything (or anyone) that you are (un)lucky to get.
I hate my job. When I was in tv I felt I was making a difference, I felt like my presence on earth was pre-determined. Now I feel like a drop in the ocean. And not just a drop, an undefined drop. You are not sure if it is oil or water.
I've always felt in life, like I was someone standing outside a well-lit house, looking thru the gaps in the gate. Funny, but that was the reason I woke up every morning- to experience all that life unfolds for me. TV gave me that opportunity to go through that gate and see the house and the residents. (The only problem was that I was let in like a handyman or an artisan. The irrgular and paltry salaries ensured that. ) Now I don't even see the glimpses through the gate anymore. I'm so preoccupied with buying my own house that I don't even see the gate either! In other words, I no longer enjoy life. Travelling which was always my passion, has become drudgery for me. I no longer bother about the sights, any spare time is spent sleeping. I am sooooo tired- literally and figuratively.
I need to rediscover my life. I need the manual on relationships and friendships. I am too young for middle-age crisis. I need the blueprint, I need to get me back.
I lie on my bed in this hotel room in Port Harcourt, on yet another business trip, apprehensive of the outcome of the assignment I am about to execute. Not because it is necessarily technical or voluminous but because the clients are problematic and keep changing ideas at every possible moment , without regard to the practicability of the idea. And I can't even as much as threaten to quit out of frustration: my company thinks they need the business. The fact that they are the 2nd most stingy, most problematic client that we have! And to further compound the situation, I don't like my job. The duties bore me, I am starving my soul. I do not feel I am making a difference. A year or two ago I would have quit just for these reasons without giving it a second thought, and without a fallback plan. I have done it at least 6 times. But not now. For the first time I am receiving a regular salary. For the first time I am working for money, little money, but money all the same.
Some people may call it 'being an adult', 'financial wisdom', for me it' s the rat race. The never-ending pursuit for the elusive-maybe non-existent- good life.
And at night I go home and turn the key and there's no-one there. No-one. For those who know me my views on marriage haven't changed; I still feel it's unnecessary, impractical. I just need companionship, like everyone else, but a lot of factors stand in my way, the major factor being myself. Lagos, life, men, and friendships have made me so hard. Sometimes my coldness, and indifference to my own family, my dear brothers with whom I grew up amazes me. I reduce all they say to how much it costs me, how much I am expected to spend. And I can't tell how much that hurts them, but it kills me to go that way. The very attitude I detested in my father is the attitude I have nutured. I assess everything froma perspective of materialism. God forgive me.
And as for relationships, all the years of hurt have made me ... they call it strong, I call it paranoid. To me no man is good enough, no man is honest. And when you think like that who do you attract? The same type you are avoiding.
I hate where I am now: the point when you feel you are 'no longer a child' and you can't take risks anymore, or you must accept anything (or anyone) that you are (un)lucky to get.
I hate my job. When I was in tv I felt I was making a difference, I felt like my presence on earth was pre-determined. Now I feel like a drop in the ocean. And not just a drop, an undefined drop. You are not sure if it is oil or water.
I've always felt in life, like I was someone standing outside a well-lit house, looking thru the gaps in the gate. Funny, but that was the reason I woke up every morning- to experience all that life unfolds for me. TV gave me that opportunity to go through that gate and see the house and the residents. (The only problem was that I was let in like a handyman or an artisan. The irrgular and paltry salaries ensured that. ) Now I don't even see the glimpses through the gate anymore. I'm so preoccupied with buying my own house that I don't even see the gate either! In other words, I no longer enjoy life. Travelling which was always my passion, has become drudgery for me. I no longer bother about the sights, any spare time is spent sleeping. I am sooooo tired- literally and figuratively.
I need to rediscover my life. I need the manual on relationships and friendships. I am too young for middle-age crisis. I need the blueprint, I need to get me back.
How ya living?
Chili
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN
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