YEARS AGO I HAD AN ARGUMENT WITH A FRIEND OVER SOME ISSUES OF MORALITY - OR HER LACK OF MORALS. ANYWAY, IN A BID TO PUT AN END TO THE LENGTHY ARGUMENT SHE SAID ' IN LIFE, CHILI, THERE ARE NO BLACKS AND WHITES, JUST SHADES OF GREY'. IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I HAD HEARD THAT ANALYSIS, BUT I WOULD STRUGGLE TO DISPROVE IT, FOR EVER.
In a way I want to be dead And yet I don't want to be.
I can analyse things somewhat rationally, How this might be a mental health issue How it could be hereditary
Yet I cannot rationalise How it is not my fault that I needed help from someone and she turned her back on me Stopped answering my calls Or texts How it is not a sign that the world really doesn't need my presence
I am scared around knives
I wish I could stop feeling this way I want it all to stop I want to go But I don't want to go.
That was the name I knew her by until I was 32.
We always called our maternal aunties by their children's names.
Even they did it too.
So she never really had an identity until I was an adult.
I didn't like her as a child, I thought she was always angry, she never seemed to laugh.
It wasn't really a frown, the expression on her face;
It was the absence of a smile.
And a reason for it.
Mouth turned downwards at the sides, almost permanently,
Eyebrows slightly creased, eyes unlit.
Decades later, I realised it was not a frown, it was an expression of resignation;
As much as is possible on the face.
She had been a pregnant teen and lost out on education with her siblings. She had then become deeply religious and married a faithful but poor man And had 5 more children, only one of whom was successful In the way parents counted success. Then the man had fallen gravely ill Exhausting all medical and spiritual options And all financial resources And died Life ha…
december is the last month of the year
It would make sense to end it all here
Just a deliberate slit
Downwards not sideways
As the movies
It's funny but she knows she would not have to try too hard
If she were to slit her wrist
Not as hard as they tried when they needed a vein
To push medication down
That was the irony of her life
The healthy things were difficult
The harmful things came easy
We are at the same point again
Where we have been for ages
It makes sense to stop the train
To get off the bus
Maybe I was conceived as a joke
And no one will tell me
A joke should not last this long
It becomes a mistake
Just one deliberate vertical line
And we are free
You are free
You are not the product of your circumstances. You are a composite of all the things you believe, and all the places you believe you can go...You can step out of your history and create a new day for yourself...Even if every bad thing that can happen to you, does. - Oprah I am not one to quote- and conversely worship- Oprah but I stumbled on this quote from an old post I wrote several years back and it seemed to speak to me. However, I still did not quite understand it until a few days ago.
I learnt from this article to turn my thinking about the issues I have on its head and one of the things I came up with was going to make a presentation to an old but very influential friend of mine. Turns out it was the right nudging because I cannot explain how inspired I am after that meeting. There are friends who bring you down to earth and there are those who lift you high; but rarely do you find anyone who does both simultaneously and gloriously. I came for one conversation and I had several t…
A friend on Twitter brought my attention to the video below and I thought the whole message and idea was profound on so many levels. Of course, the obvious one is how we train ourselves to walk away from people in need, but on a deeper level, for me, it is indicative of how we might be so wrapped up in life that we are unaware of the suffering of those closest to us. Figuratively and literally. ' How are you', we ask. 'Fine', they answer and we move on. Because sometimes we really do not want to hear the long answer. Or we are just observing social convention. Or we have issues of our own to bother about.
A lady I know almost died of malaria this week. She lives in a house with her sibling and their cousin but they live so apart (emotionally) that nobody knew she was ill, or even cared.And she could not afford the 1500 naira (about $8) for the drug. Hell, she could not even afford to eat. But looking at her you would never guess that she had that issue; educated, wel…
I have struggled with writing this post. Struggled since the few days that I heard the news that practically everyone on Nigerian Twitter and in Nigeria heard: Sugabelly's rape story. If you have not heard it by some strange turn of events read it here. You should not be able to avoid it. No Nigerian should. It has opened up the rot that we would rather remain covered for eternity. The rot that is our culture and our way of life; a culture of rape, abuse and subjugation of girls and women just because they are female.
In many ways I am in awe of what Sugabelly has been able to do, In telling her story she encouraged the story to be told, the perpetrator to be confronted and the nightmare to be cut short. For so many women. You cannot imagine the number of people who came out with rape stories just in support of her, Different women from different places. It was crazy. But what was crazier were the insults. People who wondered why if she was raped by the Mustapha Audu character, sh…
I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet - Jewish Proverb
Over the past month or so I have had reason to be very sad about a few issues. Just when I thought things were going great, and I was finally getting my life in the groove, I was fired from my job for no just cause other than my boss felt insecure around me. I really did not mind being fired from that job but I really needed a job. I was afraid that I would be thrown back into the unemployment market indefinitely and that I would get to the point I had been for quite a while where I was unable to take care of even my basic needs and I depended on the charity of friends. And I did. At the same time I had to terminate my one month relationship because I finally realised that what he liked was my sparkling wallet not my bubbly personality. With my daughter's needs also crying for attention on one side it seemed I had come back to what I was most familiar and what would be practically permanent- lack. La…
I had seen one of her videos but I honestly thought she was a fluke. Then a girl on Project Fame performed -excellently I might add- her All About The Bass and I went searching for her all over again.
You know that feeling when the lyrics of a song could have been written by you with the same character and attitude? That was All About The Bass for me. Suddenly I wished I had heard her when I was 21 and feeling awkward about what eventually turned out to be my gorgeous years. I immediately downloaded her whole EP and it has been on repeat for a while. I mean what is not to love in a confident, witty, talented young woman?
The album Title in my opinion, should be given to every young lady to build their confidence. It is the anthem that most young women want to recite but either do not know how to or do not have the confidence to. The title song, Title, speaks about what is commonly referred to as 'underG' in Nigeria. You are in some sort of relationship with a guy but he refu…
For the first time in 6 years I saw my daughter's father. (I hate the term 'baby daddy', it seems too intimate for someone who is virtually a complete stranger.) If it was shocking to see him after so much time, it was more shocking that he drove right beside me on the street where I live! As I stared at the car all the years of crystallized disappointment, anger, pain and hurt began to boil within me. I needed a seat.
The last time I saw him was at a pub in Ikeja, GRA, Lagos, in 2009. He had invited me there to talk about the pregnancy I had informed him about earlier. I was just about 2 months gone then, if memory serves me. I was very defensive because he had been quite rude and aggressive towards me prior to this meeting. The way he acted you would have thought I found his sperm and impregnated myself. He had been screaming on the phone when I said I had no plans to do anything about the pregnancy. Really yelling. Then he had broken the news that he denied earlier, w…
1. This advert.
Song and video make me feel I am not alone in my struggles against fat. I know it came out last year and people thought it was insulting or politically incorrect, but I love it still.
2. This Series
Another late discovery, I know, but I loathe to watch something when everyone is talking about it.
Actually I will love any blender that is a bit more than the ordinary at this point, because I broke mine and haven't been able to get another. But this seems to fit in so well with my new lifestyle that I have been longing for it.
I sometimes sit to watch cartoons with my 4 year old daughter; half the time she blackmails me into spending the time with her , and the other half of the time I tell myself I am 'monitoring' what she is watching. As far as TV offerings go, the children's stations have quite the fare: Princess Sophia, Ben 10, Batman, Dora the Explorer, Jake the (I forget what), Sheriff Callie, Scooby Doo, Sponge Bob, and so on. She loves them all but by far her favourite is the old classic Tom and Jerry.
Tom and Jerry, what's not to love? Many of us grew up on the evergreen plot of a cat who can never win, chasing a mouse with evil intent. And even though a few of its characters actually speak nowadays, the cartoon has managed to retain its appeal.
So a few days ago I sat through another cartoon-viewing session, Tom and Jerry were on a trip to Hawaii. As usual things became violent with Tom in hot pursuit of Jerry... into a cave. Unfortunately this cave was the home of a fire g…