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Showing posts from 2009

Ze Plot Thickens

Okay, let me just break it down a bit: Chili has a BIG secret. It's the reason she can no longer blog freely and the reason for her silence. Soon the secret will be revealed, and, hopefully, everything will come into the open. But for now she can only watch, plan, and pray.And why is she speaking in the 2nd person? The matter is beyond just her.How ya livingChili!
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

20/20 Vision

And so it came to pass. Ex is getting married. For someone who 'doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone', he's not doing badly. I was right, but there are times you wish you were wrong, and this is one of them. Because at the end of the day the evidence points to the fact that the problem wasn't anything / anyone else, but you.

And why it hurts so bad, I don't know. I guess I really liked the mofo.

How Can I Love My Neighbour

Every time I sign into yahoo messenger these days, there seems to be one story or the other about a family that had been slaughtered by their breadwinner. Almost everyday. The specifics are different, but the scenario is the same: owing to the recession, the man of the house finds himself in debt and penury, and sees death as the only way out.

A few years ago, I probably would have seen the man as wicked and evil. If you want to kill yourself do so, but why take young innocent lives with you? I shudder to imagine the terror in the minds of the kids when they saw their protector, their infallible parent, attempting to harm them greviously, over and over again (in the most recent one the father was said to have stabbed all the members of his family before he shot them, probably because the stab wounds did not do the trick), their last thoughts. But now, I can see how easily one can slip from hopeless to suicidal, when faced with problems that to many people seem insurmountable. I, infact…

Notes On A Prayer

I need to get through this because:

1. I need to arrange the kitchen in my new house like the Ikea one I love

2. I need to buy an Ipod dock/deck, hook up my I-Touch and blast my music loud, making everyone wonder where in heaven's name I got the Beatles, Al Green, James Brown and Marvin Gaye's greatest hits.

3. Of the smell of the untouched interior of my brand new car, while I relieve the Ipod docking station experience with my friends in the car

4. The documentary needs me

5. For the Pepa family

6. I want to grill in my brand new oven, light my scented candles and do my laundry without these hassles

7. The 40-inch flat screen has been in its box for over a year

8. I want to unpack my east african art

9. I am running on empty

so help me God


Chili!

Not So Anonymous

' LOL, LOL and LOL!!!! Obviously dear, you have never done anything positive with your life which is why you would bitch about what other people are doing. You just came across like another unhappy, underachieved female...and might i add fat??? cos only ugly, unhappy fat people bitch about skinny ones!!! If you are such an authority on TV shows, wheres yours darling? Until you have one, pls go crawl back under your stone and die there...the world does not need you and what you dont have to offer! '


This was the message I received from an irate anonymous who had read this post and felt the need to make her 'contribution'. Unfortunately, the message came in on my blackberry, and I mistakenly rejected it before I had a chance to digest it. When I did go back and read it though, I found it so hilarious that I had to give it a post of its own. Now, ordinarily I would not bother replying a disgruntled anonymous, but because I know this anonymous in question is most likely the…

How Not To Kill A Rat

Let's get this straight; I hate rats. Those small, squirmy, creatures that make wheezing shrieks, and eat everything in sight, to the point of waste. The shameless, graceless rodents scurry noisily around, leaving in their incontinent trail, hard, black grains of excrement and pungent, odious fumes of their own urine. They are disgusting and annoying, gate-crashing your house, your kitchen, like area boys to a white tie dinner. And I have lost count of the number of things these wretched vermin have done to make me almost run crazy with rage.

Once it was my plastic gallon of vegetable oil. In an effort to be frugal, I had decided to buy some foodstuff in bulk, including vegetable oil. Now, at this point in time, I only spent Saturdays at home, every other day was spent at work, or travelling, or being groomed, so I had no idea how serious the vermin problem I had was. I confidently placed my 4-litre gallon of vegetable oil in the larder, along with the other food items and promptly…

Wanderings of Lust

I was watching a reality series on BBC Lifestyle, titled The Baby Borrowers On Holiday. Briefly, it's a documentary of an experiment involving about 4 or 5 teenage couples with ages ranging from 16-19. Basically the idea, I think, is to give these lovestruck (or is it lust struck) teenagers a taste of reality in large doses, with a view to assisting them make less self-destructive decisions. The couples were sent to some holiday beach houses for a few weeks, and each week, were given the responsibility of adults, by first taking care of their 'homes' and finances and later children (beginning with infants and ending with younger teenagers), and then aged people. A worthy experiment especially when you consider that these teenagers come from typical British lower-class homes, with only one parent- usually the mother- and little discipline. (The discipline part goes without saying, I mean how many 16 year-olds would be left to shack up with their lovers, when they could …

Mini Update

Was reading through old posts from Funmi Iyanda's blog and I saw this hilarious video. Too cute.

Yes, I Went There!

I was watching the Ellen Degeneres show a few days ago and that was the first I heard that she had married her lover, Portia De Rossi, in August, 2008 . I admire Ellen a lot. I admire her energy, her wit, her comedy, her tomboyish nature, her ignorance of her age, and her fierce sense of individuality. When Ellen first publicly declared her sexual orientation, during a sitcom she was in, several years ago, her career was almost terminated. She did not get work for 3 years! (When I heard her tell the story I wasn't surprised because I remembered how, a while back, I was asked to write a proposal for a comedy show, and I described the show as a cross between Ellen, Letterman's and Jon Stewart's show. One of the guys in charge of it said' Ellen? Is this not that lesbian? Abeg remove her name before the sponsors see it!' It did not matter that her show format was the closest to what we were trying to achieve.) Also, I keenly watched Portia in the Ally Mcbeal series, so…

I Still Remember

It was your 36th birthday yesterday.
I still remember.
Everything.RIP 'Knight Rider'Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Dolupo Kuti, DSAN, And Other Stories

I was just watching a documentary on Femi Kuti, and the mechanics and emotions behind the shrine. One aspect that struck me particularly was a very brief interview with Dolupo Kuti. Now, I had seen this lady on two occasions when I went to interview Femi at the shrine. Both times I had just dimissed her as one of the many aged Kuti relatives. It was easy to do that, given the fact that she looked like the average, old Nigerian grandmother, in her ankara buba and wrapper, topped by her grey , short cut hair. Her looks were also accented by her few missing teeth which you would notice if she acknowledged or returned a greeting from you.

Anyway, in this interview, she expressed her opinion on why people flocked to the shrine. To my amazement, this old lady spoke flawless English that bordered on a British accent! It was when she was identified as Fela's sister that I said, 'okay'. Fela's family was no ordinary one. But Dolupo made me wonder something I had been wonderi…

Alhaji Baba Sheri

This is a very short blog. For those who do not read my food blog I have to repeat this.

I found this fantastic blog quite by accident a while back. This is what you will get if BBC Food had a Nigerian version online. The chef is excellent in both his craft and his pictures. And from the way he replies other bloggers I think he's also a nice person. Dont take my word for it, see it for yourself.



Chili!

Korto Momolu and other rambles

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I've always loved Fridays on DSTV. For me that's when the series channel unveils the priceless jewels: reality shows of different types. My favourites are Top Chef, Shear Genius, Wife Swap, Janice Dickinson Modelling Academy, Trading Spouses, and now, Project Runway.

This will be the 2nd season of Project Runway I'm seeing on DSTV, but it's the first time I am actually paying full attention, all because of a girl called Korto Momolu. Korto was one of the contestants on Season 5 of Project Runway. She's a Liberian-American, but more the former than the latter. The first time I saw her I did not pay much attention to her, especially as I thought she was quite solemn and intense, but when they did a wide shot with her back to the camera , I did a double-take. Meeeeenn, that girl has got booooty! Not the South African version that makes it seem the lady stole it from someone twice her size, but the West African-meets- stripper type. She wore one of these pants where th…

Return of The Mac (or Maybe The HP)

Hi Yawl

After all said and done I went to pick up my laptop which the guy had fixed. I don't know who asked him to do it o, especially since I did not give him the money he asked for, and expressly told him not to touch it anymore. Just goes to prove what I was saying that he was a daylight robber.

Anyway, Mike the dubious guy, called me the next morning and said my laptop was fixed. I told him that I did not ask him to fix it and that I was not interested in any further discussions. He later called again to ask for my password, saying that he wanted to ensure it was working properly. Of course I did not give it to him. Yesterday, I went to pick up the laptop. He saw me, went inside and brought it and made to turn it on. I just snatched it from him, asked for my power pack, collected that and walked away. I did not tell him to fix it so it was his loss, if he did.
Turns out he did. well, my gain.

Chili!

It Is Well... Isn't It?

Morning has broken
Already,
Again.
Terror
In living colour.Stay, Bogeyman, stay.
Your presence calms hasty hopes
Of another day.With the light comes the performance,
Of the rites of the zombies:
Scurrying drudgery.Until you come again
In Peace, with peace.
Chili!Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

I'm Not That Type of Girl

These days it's easier for me to count what appliances are actually working than those that are not. My fridge seems to have packed up today, and that is in the wake of something even more serious that happened yesterday: my landlord gave me an eviction notice. And I have only 2 months. Now, there's a part of me that's ridiculously happy because I've been wanting to get the hell out of this house for ages but I've been putting it off , in order to deal with other priorities. The other part of me is terribly angry and shocked because I have no idea where this came from. I have not had a run-in with him and I only just went to pay him for this year, last week, and he never said anything. Not to talk of the additional psychological and financial crisis I have been thrown into. Of course he gave the notice to every tenant in this house, and I hear he has actually sold it, but that does little to make me feel less upset. And to think that he attached a court summons to …

Domestic Electronic Meltdown

My laptop crashed yesterday. It was only a matter of time before it did anyway. I had been feeling like there was a conspiracy, among all the things I own and/or need, to go into their own recession. The laptop was just one in a long line of many. You know what they say, when it rains, it pours.I'll try to update as much as possible, but it'll have to be from my blackberry for the time being.Chili!
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

Friendship Matters 3

I have to end this post soon, cos remembering all this is making me somewhat upset. Anyway here goes:


So for a while I did not go to Chinwe's house, as I was doing my own thing in my place. To my surprise she, on her part, did not even bother to call me. As far as I was concerned that was an indication of what I thought all along; she did little or nothing to help my situation in her home.

One day I went to Benin, and Chinwe was not home and hadn't been for a while. Apparently, she had found some other place to stay that would allow her carry on with her lifestyle. Anyway, for some reason, I went to my former university, and, I could have sworn I saw her there. I tried to call her but she did not answer. When I got home,I went to the business centre where Chinwe spent most of her time, to call her. But try as I might, I could not bring myself to make the call. The lady at the business center who happened to be somewhat close to Chinwe, noticed something was wrong, and wanted to …

Friendship Matters 2

wow, I had a good day yesterday. Just when I thought things were going downhill permanently, a glimmer of light shone thru the darkness. I went to borrow 160k from a friend, cos I had a project I needed to finish and I was so out of cash, and he gave it to me! I know he's a generous person and all but this was quite unexpected for me.




Okay so back to Chinwe.

Later in the evening when I thought she must have arrived in her house and settled in, I called just to make sure. Her mum picked up the phone and I asked to speak with Chinwe. 'Chinwe is in school, now', she replied. I was shocked and a bit scared, ' she told me she was going home', I managed to utter. Of course any mother would be thrown into panic, and Chinwe's mother wasn't different. I tried to calm her down and promised to call her when I arrived home (I told her I hadn't been home yet) and tell her if Chinwe was there. After that call I was perplexed, worried and scared. What if something had h…

Friendship Matters

If ever I needed prayers, help and more prayers, now is the time. Just so many things, so many things,... I wish I could, but I'd rather not speak of them here, since my anonymity is a myth.

But I shall speak of other things, first of all is friendship, especially among girls. I saw this video, on facebook, involving some girls in Vivian Fowler Memorial School- a posh girls-only secondary school. Apparently, some girl, named Shola, had provoked the wrath of two of her obviously egotistical classmates, by saying something to someone (dem say, dem say). Anyway, the video opens on these girls walking up to the Shola girl and confronting her very dramatically, about whatever it is she has said. Gradually, the thing degenerates into an advanced bullying session with the two girls slapping Shola simultaneously and pushing her down when she tries to stand up and leave the room. At the end of the whole brouhaha Shola had received 18 slaps in addition to the humiliation and insults. I wat…

Maturity

Maturity is defined as the ability to delay gratification. That's a good definition but it is too broad, because under that definition, the ability to diet would be an act of maturity. Instead it is an act of will.

Speaking of willpower, mine was slipping recently, as I noticed how I would allow myself a 'little' sugary snack, now and then. At last count I've had a snack, 3 out of four days on my diet, this week. So, today, I did what every sensible overweight person would do: I chucked all the forbidden stuff out. Now, I had nothing interesting like chocolates or ice cream in the fridge, but I found out that the ingredients for pancake turn up very easily from my near-empty pantry. I also realised that a good substitute for chocolate is a high calorie chocolate/ cocoa drink with lots of milk. And every cup of tea needs warm, fresh white bread, doesn't it? And that's how I was sabotaging my healthy eating routine and weakening my resolve.

So this evening they …
I honestly do not feel like writing today because it is one of those days/ weeks/ months when I am very depressed. The reason is not far-fetched, but I choose not to talk about it here primarily because I am stripped of most of my anonymity. Suffice it to say, however, that need all the prayers that I can get at this time.

I've been working on my weight and my diet and it has not been as difficult as it is now because of my dislocated ankle that refused to heal on time. I can't exercise the way I want to because of the ankle and I can't be inactive because I am dieting. Na wa o. But I am eating healthy sha. I think I am trying to cram all the fruits and vegetables I missed throughout my last 31 years, into my body in one go. I have found out that I can eat one whole pineapple, piece by piece, in one day! But I have to take it easy on the pineapples, it seems they irritate my stomach. The effect of the dietary changes are being felt though, 'cos all my friends couldn…

Steve jobs speech

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When you know you are scared of something but you still bravely do it. Well, almost bravely. LOL



When I am sad and wondering if I am really doing the right thing it takes a lot to get me back on the right path. Especially cos I feel no-one really understands. That's why I love reading blogs; sometimes you just find someone that reads ( and writes) your mind. I found that in this piece on bunmmy's blog. I felt Steve was speaking about me. And I heaved a sigh of relief: it's not over.

Read the speech here.


Chili!

WTH Do You Want?

I saw the call yesterday, at about 8pm or thereabouts. I say 'saw' because I heard the phone ring, checked the caller ID and just ignored it. Then my other phone rang. This time a different person but one equally as unwelcome. Then there was quiet , for a few hours before the first phone rang again. The same unwelcome first caller. I thought it might be something semi-important so I sent an sms: saw missed calls from you on this phone. what's up? Of course there was no reply.

What part of 'don't call me again' is difficult for men to comprehend? You are there and they treat you like you are invisible, then when you walk away they start calling incessantly. I know some girls find that amusing and think that if he tries to come back they have him in their grip. well, I'm not one of them. When I finally make to my mind to kick a guy out, I really cant stand him thereafter. He literally irritates me. So get lost, means that. Piss off!


Chili!

The Prelude To My 'Dear John' Letter

I should be drawing up my company profile but I am here updating my blog. Priorities, priorities. Anyway, here goes.

I was sleeping in late, as is my usual practice these days, when I felt the bed vibrating. My phone was ringing and it was my mom. After the usual salutations, she told me she had a message from one of her prayer partners, for me. Before I go on to the message, let me just give you a brief background to my mother and her spirituality.

My mum is somewhat psychic. In this part of the world that is not rare. The mother-child connection is never really broken. And, because of that and the fact that she has guided me out of a few mishaps, I have a healthy respect for her insights. When they are insights. The problem with my mother is that she doesn't know where to stop. For her everything has spiritual significance, and it seems her obsession/ fascination with demons and other dark, flying, nocturnal creatures becomes worse as she grows older.

One day, I had just woken…

Those Whom The Gods Want To Kill...

Hi Y'all

I'm very broke. Terribly broke. The find -me-ten-thousand-naira kind of broke.Of course being down with a leg injury for two months, and not working contributed greatly to this situation but it doesnt change how terrible it feels.

It is at times like this that my mind goes back to all the frivolous things I spent money on in the past, and wishes that I could retrieve that cash. My mind also goes to some people I know, or may not know very well, who have blown good money and I just want to flog them (after retrieving what is left though).

Tonight the first person on my flog list is Sam Edem. This story was as hilarious as it was shocking and annoying. This nincompoop, Edem, was the former chairman of the NDDC - the Niger Delta Development Commission, for the uncircumcised.As the story goes he got wind of plans to remove him from his position, and, with the help of his assistant, got in touch with a native doctor/ juju man who charged him 15 million naira -yes!- to solv…

Moments WITHOUT Mo

Okay,

So I said I was going to keep this till later but she had to go and say another thing that made me want to strangle her. Mo, that is.

First the good. I remember watching her show, the first time, with a mixture of jealousy and joy. Jealousy that someone else was able to bring the kind of quality we needed to Nigerian television, and I wsn't a part of it, and joy that , finally , we had the answer to Oprah and co. But that is where the good ends. When she spoke it was obvious she needed help- lots of it. She had on John Fashanu and Nkechi Okocha and contrary to her 'inspire Africa' idea, she did not ask them anything, or get any info from them that was supposed to inspire in any way. It just seemed to me like a gossip show. That notwithstanding I gave her another chance and watched another episode. This time it was Modenine, the rapper, who was the guest. From the get-go it was obvious the guy had lost her with all that he was saying; she obviously was unfamiliar …

Style Them, Please!!!

I've just been watching one show called Style Me on STV. This will be the 2nd or 3rd time I am catching it because , no thanks to DSTV, I find myself not watching the local television stations regularly. I kinda like this secretly, because I tend to get a bit star-struck and sometimes make a fool of myself around our celebrities. But when I don't get to see them on local TV I don't know them etc.

Anyway, speaking of celebrities brings me to the point of today's rant. So, I caught this show today, a show that was obviously poorly built on the BBC's What Not To Wear and the Style Network's, How Do I Look, and I marvelled at how easily Nigerians dabble into television without thought for content. So what's wrong with the show again, someone asks. A lot. And I intend to list them all here.

First is this our love for instant celebrity. Everyone wants to be a star and when they appear on tv, regardless of if they are spouting rubbish from their lips , they assign t…

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

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re⋅spect /rɪˈspɛkt/Show Spelled Pronunciation[ri-spekt]esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person

Friend 1: So I am trying to get over him

Friend 2: But what seems to be the problem. You said you like him

Friend 1: Yeah, well I do. But the problem is that he is commitment-shy. I see him today, we have a good time, then I dont hear from him for 2/ 3 weeks , then he comes and then another 5/6 months , etc. We've been doing this for 6 years.

Friend 2: ha! pray to God for strngth to break away from this relationship. It is dangerous. He will marry someone else and still keep coming back to you.

Friend 1: last week he told me he did not want a relationship with anyone. Can you imagine?

Friend 2: Why do you allow him back? Honestly?

Friend1 : Honestly? I like him. He is nice to me, he treats me with respect, he introduces me to new, exotic, luxurious, places, things.

Friend 2: respect?? and he disappears like that then comes back when he is good and ready?? don't …