Friendship Matters 3
I have to end this post soon, cos remembering all this is making me somewhat upset. Anyway here goes:
So for a while I did not go to Chinwe's house, as I was doing my own thing in my place. To my surprise she, on her part, did not even bother to call me. As far as I was concerned that was an indication of what I thought all along; she did little or nothing to help my situation in her home.
One day I went to Benin, and Chinwe was not home and hadn't been for a while. Apparently, she had found some other place to stay that would allow her carry on with her lifestyle. Anyway, for some reason, I went to my former university, and, I could have sworn I saw her there. I tried to call her but she did not answer. When I got home,I went to the business centre where Chinwe spent most of her time, to call her. But try as I might, I could not bring myself to make the call. The lady at the business center who happened to be somewhat close to Chinwe, noticed something was wrong, and wanted to know why I was hesitant to make the call. I told her after much persuasion that I saw Chinwe in school and she did not answer me when I called, and I wanted to know if she was indeed in Benin, or in her house in Lagos. I convinced the lady to make the call instead. Chinwe's brother picked up the phone and she left a message.
Now I cannot remember the order of events, but all I remember is that, in asking me what the problem was between Chinwe and I, the business centre lady revealed the extent of conversation she and Chinwe had had about my home and me. And the fact that she (chinwe) was obviously talking - as the British would say- out of turn, about my 'business'. According to her, Chinwe said that 'no matter what happened in my house, she would be grateful to my mother for making her comfortable'. I wondered what in heaven's name brought about this conversation and wondered the extent of things they had spoken of in relation to me and mine. I wondered what sort of friend looks out for only herself and is so selfish. I wondered many things... and I broke down. I told the phone girl everything that made me uncomfortable in Chinwe's house and the stark contrast it was to her comfort in my house. I described how I could not have an arguement with her in my house because my mother would say I was making her uncomfortable, and how in her house she and her mother would turn on me in situations like that. She calmed me down and told me that we, Chinwe and I, had been friends for long, and so we should be able to resolve stuff like that. She said she had a friend she lost because of a small thing, and she admired us so she would not want us to destroy our friendship like that. I agreed with what she said... and then Chinwe returned her call.
Chinwe laughed when I said I saw her in school and said I was halucinating. Apparently she was in Lagos. I then said that we needed to talk and that I would see her when she came to Benin. Again, the events after this day blur again, but what I remember is that I had to go away, maybe to Lagos for a while and Chinwe came to Benin. Whatever the case, in between that time and when I came back, a lot had happened. The business centre lady told Chinwe everything I had said to her, Chinwe told my mother and they (my mum and Chinwe) hatched a plan to confront me.
On the day I came back, my younger brother asked me to help him trim his fingernails so I took him to the patio at the back of the house. As we were doing that my mother came to the back along with Chinwe. When I saw Chinwe I said ' hello', with a look of surprise and a smile. In return she glared at me. Then my mum said spoke. She said something to the effect that when Chinwe walked into the house, she asked her about me and she didn't answer nicely so she brought her to me so we could settle the problem . The next thing I know, Chinwe is confronting me with the stuff I said to the girl, some of whichwere true, and some which was garnishing. I'm confronting her with the stuff she said about me, she starts insulting me, and screaming, when I raise my voice my mother tells me to stop shouting. My father comes out, thinks it is just a girls thing and jokingly tries to make us stop. I stop but she ignores him and keeps shouting, then she walks into her room- my room- and starts packing her stuff... I sat in the living room while she was doing that, as my mum sat with her, and I could hear strains of the conversation they were having. My mother would say something, and she would say 'I'll be fine, I have somewhere to go, don't worry'. Anyway, at the end of the packing, she left. I went back to my room and I saw that she had arranged her things in bags. I toyed with the idea of tossing them out of my room but decided to be civil. The next day she came with a car to pack her things, and as she was leaving she began hurling inaudible insults.
I write this because I have recently been confronting a lot of 'demons' from my past, in a bid to rebuild my future, but I was/am stillangry about the whole incident. I was angry with my mum who did not have the decency to call me privately, and tell me that Chinwe had complained about me, but brought her to scream, all in the name of being gracious to a visitor. For a long time I was angry with my mum over that, because she always treated me that way even when the issue concerned my siblings.It was my brother who told me, much later, how Chinwe came crying to my mum telling her what she had heard from the girl, he thought she was just acting, but of course, to my mum, I could never do right. I was angry at Chinwe for showing that disrespect to my parents and my house, something I would never do. I was angry that I had no chance to speak up, to defend myself. I was so angry with my mum that I left the house for Lagos in anger, and did not call her for a while. During a phone call one day she said told me Chinwe said she should greet me, I warned her that I never wanted to hear anything about that girl again. She realised I was very upset- and that I was no longer in her house- so the next time she called me she said she realised that the girl did wrong by not even respecting her presence during that incident. (Oh,you think?)
Update
Last year, many years after the incident, Chinwe sent me a friend request on facebook. I ignored it. She sent it again, and I accepted, but later I deleted her. Then today, I saw that she was on my brother's friend list and I sent her a message warning her to stay away from my family. I know it is petty, but for me it served for closure in a sense. It definitely took her by surprise because she wrote saying she did not realise I was still angry with her, and that she would stay away as I asked , blah, blah, blah. Now, I feel a bit better. I know the next step is to forgive and I will work on that. I will.
Chili!
So for a while I did not go to Chinwe's house, as I was doing my own thing in my place. To my surprise she, on her part, did not even bother to call me. As far as I was concerned that was an indication of what I thought all along; she did little or nothing to help my situation in her home.
One day I went to Benin, and Chinwe was not home and hadn't been for a while. Apparently, she had found some other place to stay that would allow her carry on with her lifestyle. Anyway, for some reason, I went to my former university, and, I could have sworn I saw her there. I tried to call her but she did not answer. When I got home,I went to the business centre where Chinwe spent most of her time, to call her. But try as I might, I could not bring myself to make the call. The lady at the business center who happened to be somewhat close to Chinwe, noticed something was wrong, and wanted to know why I was hesitant to make the call. I told her after much persuasion that I saw Chinwe in school and she did not answer me when I called, and I wanted to know if she was indeed in Benin, or in her house in Lagos. I convinced the lady to make the call instead. Chinwe's brother picked up the phone and she left a message.
Now I cannot remember the order of events, but all I remember is that, in asking me what the problem was between Chinwe and I, the business centre lady revealed the extent of conversation she and Chinwe had had about my home and me. And the fact that she (chinwe) was obviously talking - as the British would say- out of turn, about my 'business'. According to her, Chinwe said that 'no matter what happened in my house, she would be grateful to my mother for making her comfortable'. I wondered what in heaven's name brought about this conversation and wondered the extent of things they had spoken of in relation to me and mine. I wondered what sort of friend looks out for only herself and is so selfish. I wondered many things... and I broke down. I told the phone girl everything that made me uncomfortable in Chinwe's house and the stark contrast it was to her comfort in my house. I described how I could not have an arguement with her in my house because my mother would say I was making her uncomfortable, and how in her house she and her mother would turn on me in situations like that. She calmed me down and told me that we, Chinwe and I, had been friends for long, and so we should be able to resolve stuff like that. She said she had a friend she lost because of a small thing, and she admired us so she would not want us to destroy our friendship like that. I agreed with what she said... and then Chinwe returned her call.
Chinwe laughed when I said I saw her in school and said I was halucinating. Apparently she was in Lagos. I then said that we needed to talk and that I would see her when she came to Benin. Again, the events after this day blur again, but what I remember is that I had to go away, maybe to Lagos for a while and Chinwe came to Benin. Whatever the case, in between that time and when I came back, a lot had happened. The business centre lady told Chinwe everything I had said to her, Chinwe told my mother and they (my mum and Chinwe) hatched a plan to confront me.
On the day I came back, my younger brother asked me to help him trim his fingernails so I took him to the patio at the back of the house. As we were doing that my mother came to the back along with Chinwe. When I saw Chinwe I said ' hello', with a look of surprise and a smile. In return she glared at me. Then my mum said spoke. She said something to the effect that when Chinwe walked into the house, she asked her about me and she didn't answer nicely so she brought her to me so we could settle the problem . The next thing I know, Chinwe is confronting me with the stuff I said to the girl, some of whichwere true, and some which was garnishing. I'm confronting her with the stuff she said about me, she starts insulting me, and screaming, when I raise my voice my mother tells me to stop shouting. My father comes out, thinks it is just a girls thing and jokingly tries to make us stop. I stop but she ignores him and keeps shouting, then she walks into her room- my room- and starts packing her stuff... I sat in the living room while she was doing that, as my mum sat with her, and I could hear strains of the conversation they were having. My mother would say something, and she would say 'I'll be fine, I have somewhere to go, don't worry'. Anyway, at the end of the packing, she left. I went back to my room and I saw that she had arranged her things in bags. I toyed with the idea of tossing them out of my room but decided to be civil. The next day she came with a car to pack her things, and as she was leaving she began hurling inaudible insults.
I write this because I have recently been confronting a lot of 'demons' from my past, in a bid to rebuild my future, but I was/am stillangry about the whole incident. I was angry with my mum who did not have the decency to call me privately, and tell me that Chinwe had complained about me, but brought her to scream, all in the name of being gracious to a visitor. For a long time I was angry with my mum over that, because she always treated me that way even when the issue concerned my siblings.It was my brother who told me, much later, how Chinwe came crying to my mum telling her what she had heard from the girl, he thought she was just acting, but of course, to my mum, I could never do right. I was angry at Chinwe for showing that disrespect to my parents and my house, something I would never do. I was angry that I had no chance to speak up, to defend myself. I was so angry with my mum that I left the house for Lagos in anger, and did not call her for a while. During a phone call one day she said told me Chinwe said she should greet me, I warned her that I never wanted to hear anything about that girl again. She realised I was very upset- and that I was no longer in her house- so the next time she called me she said she realised that the girl did wrong by not even respecting her presence during that incident. (Oh,you think?)
Update
Last year, many years after the incident, Chinwe sent me a friend request on facebook. I ignored it. She sent it again, and I accepted, but later I deleted her. Then today, I saw that she was on my brother's friend list and I sent her a message warning her to stay away from my family. I know it is petty, but for me it served for closure in a sense. It definitely took her by surprise because she wrote saying she did not realise I was still angry with her, and that she would stay away as I asked , blah, blah, blah. Now, I feel a bit better. I know the next step is to forgive and I will work on that. I will.
Chili!
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