The Prelude To My 'Dear John' Letter

I should be drawing up my company profile but I am here updating my blog. Priorities, priorities. Anyway, here goes.

I was sleeping in late, as is my usual practice these days, when I felt the bed vibrating. My phone was ringing and it was my mom. After the usual salutations, she told me she had a message from one of her prayer partners, for me. Before I go on to the message, let me just give you a brief background to my mother and her spirituality.

My mum is somewhat psychic. In this part of the world that is not rare. The mother-child connection is never really broken. And, because of that and the fact that she has guided me out of a few mishaps, I have a healthy respect for her insights. When they are insights. The problem with my mother is that she doesn't know where to stop. For her everything has spiritual significance, and it seems her obsession/ fascination with demons and other dark, flying, nocturnal creatures becomes worse as she grows older.

One day, I had just woken up to go to work, then I was working in one dead-end job on the Island, so I had to wake up by 4 am. To my surprise, my phone rang. I had seen this person trying to call me at about the same time or earlier, for a few days, so, against my better judgement I picked it up. 'Hello, Chili?' who is this, I asked (my usual gruff reply for unknown numbers). 'Austin, is the name- Prophet Austin'. Immediately I hissed and hung up the phone. What yeye prophet, next thing he would tell you some cock-and-bull story of how your life was in danger and he needed to pray for you. A little while after that, a few weeks, maybe, my mum told me about a pastor she had been speaking to who said he had a message for me and I should call him. That seemed very curious because my mother used to be a fanatical catholic and would not go near the pentecostalists except her life depended on it. Anyway, she gave me the number, and just to please her, and to calm my curiosity, I called the guy. Turns out his name was Austin (surprise, surprise) and his message was that I had a spirit that was preventing me from getting suitors (his words, not mine) and that the spirit manifests itself as anger. ( Yeah, right, and that's not related to my slamming the phone on you when you called, abi?) So I should get someone to pray for me about it. Now all that was cool except for two things: one , I do have a temper, and everyone who knows me knows that, so that is not news. But I NEVER get angry around the men I am dating. That was one of the problems I had, as I never really revealed myself to them and; two, I wasn't looking for suitors/ marriage. So when I put two and two together, I realised it was my mother who was giving him' prayer points' and the the go-ahead to call me at very ungodly hours. As if to prove me right, a couple of days after that my mother called me at about 2 am, saying that I should call that 'pastor who she sent me to that day' as he just told her he was seeing terrible things around me and wanted to pray for me. Can you imagine? At that time of the night? I said ok, and promptly switched off my phone. When she called me in the morning to find out the results I told her I did not understand a 'pastor' that could only 'pray' for people by that time of the day and that I would not speak to such a person. That put an end to 'prophet Austin', and her nocturnal calls. Well, until a few nights ago when she called me and said I should pray, telling God to send the holy ghost fire to anyone who is standing in the way of my success. After she calmed down I pointed out to her that the fire just might burn me as well since her call had made me so frightened that I could not sleep anymore. Honestly, I think my mother has taken shelter in these fantasies as her refuge from all the marital and family problems that she constantly worries about; it's her psychological way of not feeling so helpless.


Anyway, so that's my mother in summary. This morning, 10-ish or thereabouts- she's learned- she called me to give me a message from one of her prayer partners. The person ( a guy, by the way) said god told him to tell me that he will turn my situation around, if only I believe that things will change this year for me , in marriage. And she said this in that 'God voice' that they use in Nigerian movies. It was all I could do to stop myself from laughing. When she did not get any response from me she asked 'are you there?'. How can I be there? Obviously the guy has gotten his lines crossed again. I mean here I am , worried everyday, praying to God about how to revive my business and restructure my operations, and the first message I get from someone that claims to have spoken to Him is that I will marry this year! I mean, if God knows me- and I think he does - he knows I have NO INTEREST in marriage. None at all. I don't hate it, I dont like it. I dont even think about it. I never imagine how it will feel to be living with another man in his house. I don't see the point of marriage, and I dread having kids. So where did that come from?

In a seemingly unrelated development, I finally broke it off with my on-again-off-again boyfriend Ex. I know I said I was gonna do it a long time ago, but I chickened out thinking as my friend M would say, half bread is better than full chin chin. But I have since realised that bread and chin chin are very different. LOL. The nickel dropped for me when he said he didn't want a relationship with anyone. I can understand if you don't want to get married, or you don't want to have children. I've seen that a lot, and I feel that way too. But I have never seen anyone who doesn't want a relationship. Never. I I mean that's ok, but then you shouldn't be having sex with anyone either. What are we, call girls? Yes. And I said we, cos I believe there was more than me. That's how stupid I was. Anyway, he called me last night and I told him not to call me again. I had been waiting for 6 years for him to grow up, or at the very least come to his senses. 6 YEARS!!!! Enough was enough. It hurt but it was nothing compared to the hurt I had experienced over his rejection over the years.


So maybe that's the vision they saw for me yesterday. (In Nollywood God voice) 'Dont worry about Ex, I will send you a man who WANTS a relationship'. LMAO


How ya living?


Chili!

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