Baby Gone

In a way I want to be dead
And yet I don't want to be.

 I can analyse things somewhat rationally, 
How this might be a mental health issue
How it could be hereditary

 Yet I cannot rationalise
How it is not my fault that
I needed help from someone and she turned her back on me
Stopped answering my calls
Or texts
How it is not a sign that the world really doesn't need my presence

 I am scared around knives

 I wish I could stop feeling this way
I want it all  to stop 
I want to go
But I don't want to go.

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