Grey Matters

I've never approached Christmas the way I am now. With fear; even, dread, à little joy, and sadness. The reason is obvious, it's supposed to be a time to celebrate but if I counted my blessings, I cant celebrate:). Literally. It's been one of the worst years ever and I dread à new one. Yes, I know, 'thank God for life'. It's in the living that the problèm lies. But the great thing about the human spirit is its ability/desire to keep on. Regardless.

Some painful things you just block away subconsciously because your mind finds it hard to deal with. But sometimes they come flooding back. I remember when I went for the first scan for my pregnancy, I was maybe 10 or so weeks pregnant. The scan saw a gestational sac, that is the bag of water where the baby stays in the womb, but could not detect any heartbeat. The conclusion was that I had a blighted ovum. (This happens when fertilisation of the sperm and ovum actually occurs but the result does not form properly. A kind of false conception.) I was partly sad and partly relieved. I wondered if I could not have a child, and if I did anything to cause this one from developing properly. Anyway, I was sent away and asked to come for another scan in about two weeks or so (I can’t quite remember now). As God would have it, a few days later, I began bleeding. I rushed to the doctor and was sent for another scan and there they saw a healthy, happy overactive embryo, happily swimming awa...

Hey Folks, I had a pretty awful day yesterday and I still feel bad about it. So out of the blues a generous friend of mine sent me 10K. I was ecstatic because it meant that I could afford milk and nappies for my baby especially as she was close to running out. I spent 2k on some essentials and planned to go to the market the next day to get my baby's supplies. Now, lately I would rather not drive to the market on Mission road, here in Benin; parking is torture and backing out is even worse. You have to contend with human and vehicular traffic!Anyway, that day, because my mum sent me on some errands close to the market, I thought it would make sensé to save the 'okada' fare I would have spent the next day, if I just went to the market from there. As I drove in I noticed that the low barricades on both sides of the road had been broken, making it impossible for cars to drive in and park, with their bumpers close to the stalls and their backs to the streets, as was the usu...

It's the 1st of August today, and the reality of my situation presses down harder, squeezing the joy out of my life, and the breath from it's desire to live. Talking about my problems in fora like this is a problem for me. I feel stupid and weak for having these issues, I only hear those laughing at me... But i shall speak tonight because if i don't I just might choke to death. ' I thank whatever gods may be/ For my unconquerable soul' - Invictus The only reason I am alive today, and still breathing- because I could easily have taken my own life a very long time ago- is because of my daughter. She didn't ask to be born and she deserves better- much better. Yet it is quite tough because of her. I never knew what it took to raise a child, that is not to say had I known I would have gotten rid of the pregnancy. Absolutely not. Even when her father was screaming at me over the phone and asking why I was after him, even when I lost my job and consequent ability...

Something died But it left no smell Just the mental evidence Of a loss of life. Something died On Resurrection morning When the Bone of Contention Made an appearance Something died The death of acid on flesh Stripping away, melting Any semblance of hope: No frivolities, no fashion, No indulgences, no freedom... Something died... In me. Chili Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld from Glo Mobile.

So I watched a movie tonight that could only have been made for me. It's called 127 hours. It's one of those works that doesn't condone ambivalence; you either like it or you don't. I loved it. It is a true-life story, but a relatively simple plot. A young carefree, adventurous man goes hiking in the grand canyon, gets stuck somewhere and through that experience relieves and changes his life. It's the execution and the details that get you. The man Aron Ralston- google him- fell into a hole in the rock he was walking on, and as he descended, his arm got caught in between another relatively smaller rock that fell with him, and the large canyon slab that he had been walking on. Left with very little water and absolutely no other supplies, on the 5th day, he had to amputate his arm to free himself. Now initially when I was watching the movie and seeing the guy hiking and jumping all by himself I thought that was dangerous. What if sth happened to him. And then it did. ...

So I saw a baby die today. He/She was four days old. Very light-skinned and fragile as babies that age usually are. I had taken my daughter to the hospital because I noticed she had become a bit testy in the last two days; which is unlike her. She is usually a very happy kid. (Sometimes too happy; she wakes up by 4am and starts jumping on your stomach and reciting all the new words she learnt during the day. But I digress.) So, I took her to the hospital to be tested, and treated for malaria. As I gave the receptionist my card, a woman walks in. She looks very disheveled, though not dirty, and anxious. Her hair was matted and short, as though in the beginnings of short dreads, and she wore a large blouse that most likely belonged to a skirt, and a mismatched wrapper . As she expressed herself to the receptionist who obviously had had this conversation she seemed to be crying, and pretending to cry at the same time, all the while staring at the tiny bundle, wrapped up in several wrapper...