Cartharsis

It's the 1st of August today, and the reality of my situation presses down harder, squeezing the joy out of my life, and the breath from it's desire to live.
Talking about my problems in fora like this is a problem for me. I feel stupid and weak for having these issues, I only hear those laughing at me... But i shall speak tonight because if i don't I just might choke to death.
' I thank whatever gods may be/ For my unconquerable soul' - Invictus

The only reason I am alive today, and still breathing- because I could easily have taken my own life a very long time ago- is because of my daughter. She didn't ask to be born and she deserves better- much better. Yet it is quite tough because of her.

I never knew what it took to raise a child, that is not to say had I known I would have gotten rid of the pregnancy. Absolutely not. Even when her father was screaming at me over the phone and asking why I was after him, even when I lost my job and consequent ability to take care of myself, even when I was kicked out by my friends, I was determined to be committed to this one thing. And I thank God for her.

But it's been tough. TOUGH. Tough watching your child wear undersized clothing and worn shoes because you cannot afford any other outfits. Tough begging repeatedly for money from friends, neighbours, anyone to buy milk. You see I haven't worked this year; not for lack of trying- God knows- but I cannot say what the problem is. God knows I have and I am trying.... And that is why today's date is so sad to me.

I remember a few months ago, my baby needed shoes terribly, and I believe she also needed nappies or so. Anyway, I got 3000 naira from someone and after buying the nappies I had only 1500 or thereabouts. Because it was a delicate time in her development - she was only barely walking- and because of our financial situation, I needed to make a good choice. Anyway, to cut a long story short, the shoe we could get cost 2500 naira. There were some other ladies shopping in that store as well, that day, and for some strange reason 1000 naira slipped out of one of their bags- and I picked it up and paid for my baby's shoe!

I don't tell this story out of pride or anything. It is something that I am thoroughly ashamed of, but it was just a way for me to attempt to provide for my child. But as this month begins I worry about the rest of the year, about what/how we will get by, about the future.

All the same I thank God for bringing her into my life. I know a kind of joy and love that I never knew existed. I just need to do right by her.

So help me God. Please.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

International Women's Day Reflection: Take Back Your Body ( And Mindset)

In the background is the Big Brother Nigeria show which is going on at the point of publishing this post. One of the male participants - referred to as housemates- ostensibly in an alcohol-induced moment of daring, looked around to ensure there were no cameras (or people) in sight, and groped a sleeping female housemate under the covers. Unfortunately for him, he overlooked two important issues; one, the live eviction show was the next day, and two, there  are  cameras everywhere. The cameras and Big Brother caught him; which was serendipitous for the female housemate- let's call her B- as she was totally unaware of what was going on.  Long story short, Big Brother called both of them privately and informed them on what had been seen. Then in public, disqualified the male housemate and evicted him from the house. You can read more  here . However, what should have been a wise decision in the light of the unfortunate occurrence sparked off a vitriolic controversy, on and off l
Read more

All The Times I DIed

Say it say it say it Tell it like it is Say it say it say it Tell it like it is What breaks your heart What keeps you awake at night What makes you want to breakdown and cry But say you'll never turn your back Say you'll never harden to the world Say you'll never try to still the rhythms in your breast Say you'll never look at the evil among us and try to forget Say you'll tell it like it is What breaks your heart What keeps you awake at night How your anger and grief Make you want to cry out And tell it like it is But say you'll never close your eyes Or pretend that it's a rosy world Say you'll never try to paint What is rotten with a sugarcoat Say you'll … Tracy Chapman, Tell It Like It Is This was the post I wrote for World AIDS Day on the hernetwork  blog. I must really commend the wonderful ladies at the hub for their warmth. I was unprepared, however, for the responses I received on this article. Granted, it took quite a bit to
Read more

Kids Say The Darndest Things

My child is fast awakening my comatose conscience. Today she asked me why I was always so mean to my mum and making her cry. I knew she was referring to the times I quarrel with my mum.  I said "have you ever seen your grandma cry" ? She said, "She cries inside because she doesn't want you to see the tears". She is 6 years old.
Read more