I can write these things I am about to because my blog is now protected.

It's beena long time since I came here and a lot has happened. But in all that has happened I discovered, reading through my blog, that I havent changed.

Now it's a good thing to be the same person you were and not be unpredictable, but when it seems you havent changed because you havent learned anything, then there is an issue. I do not know what God wants me to learn from life and what paths I need to go on. All the things that afflicted and affected me made me withdrawn for a while, but other than the fact that I do not feel the desire to please anyone anymore, my issues are still the same and worse still, my choices as well.

I have been very unhappy for most of last week, primarily because of a sexual encounter I had with this guy. I have known him for about as long as I had this blog but now he is married. And we hooked up recently and I feel like I am in love with him. But we had issues when we tried to have sex because it did not work for me, he was in a hurry, I bled, and that struck a chord deep inside me.

Why? What is the purpose of my life and all this suffering? All this affliction? All thiis pain? I am in a job I dont like, in a place I dont like. I would live for my daughter but at even that will be by proxy because she is not here with me.

I think I need to restrategize and refocus. I need to go back to how I was without men, without the desire for one. I need to take better care of myself, I need to plot my way out of this job.

So help me God.

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