I can write these things I am about to because my blog is now protected.

It's beena long time since I came here and a lot has happened. But in all that has happened I discovered, reading through my blog, that I havent changed.

Now it's a good thing to be the same person you were and not be unpredictable, but when it seems you havent changed because you havent learned anything, then there is an issue. I do not know what God wants me to learn from life and what paths I need to go on. All the things that afflicted and affected me made me withdrawn for a while, but other than the fact that I do not feel the desire to please anyone anymore, my issues are still the same and worse still, my choices as well.

I have been very unhappy for most of last week, primarily because of a sexual encounter I had with this guy. I have known him for about as long as I had this blog but now he is married. And we hooked up recently and I feel like I am in love with him. But we had issues when we tried to have sex because it did not work for me, he was in a hurry, I bled, and that struck a chord deep inside me.

Why? What is the purpose of my life and all this suffering? All this affliction? All thiis pain? I am in a job I dont like, in a place I dont like. I would live for my daughter but at even that will be by proxy because she is not here with me.

I think I need to restrategize and refocus. I need to go back to how I was without men, without the desire for one. I need to take better care of myself, I need to plot my way out of this job.

So help me God.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

International Women's Day Reflection: Take Back Your Body ( And Mindset)

In the background is the Big Brother Nigeria show which is going on at the point of publishing this post. One of the male participants - referred to as housemates- ostensibly in an alcohol-induced moment of daring, looked around to ensure there were no cameras (or people) in sight, and groped a sleeping female housemate under the covers. Unfortunately for him, he overlooked two important issues; one, the live eviction show was the next day, and two, there  are  cameras everywhere. The cameras and Big Brother caught him; which was serendipitous for the female housemate- let's call her B- as she was totally unaware of what was going on.  Long story short, Big Brother called both of them privately and informed them on what had been seen. Then in public, disqualified the male housemate and evicted him from the house. You can read more  here . However, what should have been a wise decision in the light of the unfortunate occurrence sparked off a vitriolic controversy, on and off l
Read more

All The Times I DIed

Say it say it say it Tell it like it is Say it say it say it Tell it like it is What breaks your heart What keeps you awake at night What makes you want to breakdown and cry But say you'll never turn your back Say you'll never harden to the world Say you'll never try to still the rhythms in your breast Say you'll never look at the evil among us and try to forget Say you'll tell it like it is What breaks your heart What keeps you awake at night How your anger and grief Make you want to cry out And tell it like it is But say you'll never close your eyes Or pretend that it's a rosy world Say you'll never try to paint What is rotten with a sugarcoat Say you'll … Tracy Chapman, Tell It Like It Is This was the post I wrote for World AIDS Day on the hernetwork  blog. I must really commend the wonderful ladies at the hub for their warmth. I was unprepared, however, for the responses I received on this article. Granted, it took quite a bit to
Read more

Kids Say The Darndest Things

My child is fast awakening my comatose conscience. Today she asked me why I was always so mean to my mum and making her cry. I knew she was referring to the times I quarrel with my mum.  I said "have you ever seen your grandma cry" ? She said, "She cries inside because she doesn't want you to see the tears". She is 6 years old.
Read more