Home Is Where The Luggage Is

It is a little before 4 pm and I am still in bed. When I heard the phone ring this morning at about 8 am and saw the caller ID I did not want to answer it because I was not really ready for bad news. Yes, I knew it was bad news because it has been building up for a while. After a short while I decided to call back because I knew I was just delaying the inevitable by not answering him anyway. It was my brother with the latest news on our house brouhaha; we had been asked to pack out of the house by the end of April.

As I said  this had been a long time coming so it was not a surprise. I found out about a week and a half ago that my brother  had been owing rent for a year in February and a new year begins in March. The reason I did not know was because he never asked us to pay rent as he wanted to make sure we did not feel we had any ownership in the house. When things got to a head, I asked him and he told me the rent was expiring in February. Now this. (' We' in this case refers to me and his freeloader flatmate who never pays for anything in the house but uses everything he sees available even foodstuff others buy.)

Anyway, that is how once more, I am homeless and still in bed  .And unwilling to even bother moving a muscle.

You see after I spoke to him I did not react any which way because it was not really a surprise but I began to think about a lot of things. You know most people are aware of their luck in specific areas. There are some people who can get married over and over again while others are still looking for husbands, there are those who can get money very easily from friends and admirers if they need it, there are others who somehow get fantastic bargains. I cannot think of anything that I have been fortunate with, but I know things that I never ever succeed at. Particularly with accommodation and furnishing I have been most unfortunate. I remember I had a nice job that took me to some countries and I bought art for my proposed living room and some other household items. Then the tragedy struck and I had to pack up those items and ship to someone's store in their house. They stayed there for 3 years.  When I retrieved them some things had been misappropriated, some stolen, some damaged . I gathered what was left and moved to another place which I got after sleeping in the office for 8 months, Just when I thought things were falling into place I had to leave that house partially because it was falling apart and partially because I had to leave my job.The furniture I had half paid for I never saw to date, 3 years later. And now in my brother's house the things I struggled to purchase have been once again kept in storage for the past two years becoming useless and rotten. And I wonder if this will ever end.

And then jobs; the same situation. Just when things are going right I put one foot wrong and it all comes crashing down.I mean I own my mistakes but it would seem I pay longer and harder for the things that people get off with a reprimand for. And I even pay for when others actually offend me as well. But, oh well.

When my brother told me the news I began to wonder what to do with my property. Maybe I should sell what I can and move somewhere. I cannot move home because there are no work opportunities there and I have a child to take care of. At the same time I got admission to come for a 7 month training in Asia and I was hoping by some miracle to be able to raise the money to go because God knows I need a break. But now that is looking even farther from being possible.
Another thing I thought was just to eat. Eat something really sugary. A lot of it. Coincidentally I am on a diet and I have to consciously get in the zone everyday to keep to it. I even re-strategised that diet mentally yesterday. But today I thought, WTF is the point? To become a good-looking destitute or a fine corpse?

I was telling a 'friend' that I had lost myself. I do not know what I believe about myself or about life anymore. I don't know where I have to go, what my bearings are. Scrounging for what you will survive on on a daily basis does that to you; kills your long term dreams.

I dont know this person and I do not want to get out of bed to be her anymore.


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