Here We Go Again
I can't for the life of me get why I feel guilty -and it has nothing to do with me feeling that I have something to do with it- but I feel it anyway.
I'm sad today, really unhappy. I wish I could say I don't know what to do... But I do.
I want to go through the process of losing weight-and develop the confidence, health and happiness that comes with it.
I want to move house- I'm tired of this rat-infested, dilapidated, ugly house.
I want to feel like I am making a difference in my or someone else's life. I want to feel like my existence is necessary for something or important to someone.
I called him this evening to invite him to accompany me to a tv show I was to appear on. Not as a guest just for moral support. He didn't seem very enthusiastic. I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing. Infact let me transcribe the whole coversation:
Chili: hi, em... are you coming to my place on Sunday (we usually hang out on Sundays)
Snuffy: I should
Chili: Is that a yes or no
Chili: ok I'm supposed to be on a show on xyz television and I'd like you to come with me
Chili: not to be on the show just go with me
Snufy: eh, ok tomorrow we'll talk now
Chili: the thing is that I'm trying to plan my day and I'm planning you into it. I have to leave home by 12 to get my nails done .
Snuffy: ok I'll come
Chili: yeah but when? Can you make it before 12? Or will you meet me there?
Snuffy: I don't know now, sebi we'll talk tomorrow
Chili: but I need to know so I can decide whether to leave my car or not
Snuffy: I can't say but I'll try to come before 12
Chili: ok what's preventing you from knowing?
Chili: (lists all the impossible reasons why he can't come, jokingly)
Chili: why are you so cold? If its me you'll complain. Are you ok?
Snuffy: Yeah, I'm cool. I will come before you leave
Snuffy: ok, bye. (Drops phone)
Now the background to this is that Snuffy has never taken me anywhere. We've never been anywhere together except for Shoprite which I made him take me to when I was mad at him but needed someone to accompany me shopping. Also though we hang out on Sundays at my place a lot-even though I haven't done that in 4 weeks- he NEVER comes early. The earliest he's ever been was 2 pm.
So while I was speaking to him these were the fears I had, along with the thots that he was kinda cold and that he hung up rather abruptly. And all this barely a day after we had a fight over his lack of enthusiasm!
I'm sick of that. I'm sick that I'm not enough or rather inadequate for my man.
I'm sick that I have to come up with little ways to remind him that I exist and being met with coldness.
I'm sick -no hurt and disappointed that I can't really get myself out of this situation just because I am weak and I let him persuade me everytime.
I'm sick that I've fallen into the trap that I never believed I would get into: hanging on for dear life for fear of letting go. Afraid that there's nothinh to go to, and there never will be.
How ya living
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN