Excuse Me, I Think You Forgot To Hide Your Vulnerability
I love TED talks (www.ted.com). You know how you are afraid of talking about a particular habit or taste or choice of yours, or afraid of doing it, and then someone or some people finally mention that they do the same thing and you think 'phew, thank God I am not abnormal'? That is how the TED talks feel to me.
So I was just going through the TED app on my phone, for talks I had not watched or listened to yet, and I came across this one. It is Brenee Brown, a researcher , speaking on her findings of the essence of the human existence- vulnerability. As much as I like TED talks, I have never played anyone over and over again- and not especially with limited bandwidth- but I replayed this one thrice. Now, in your spare time you can watch this and hear the gems that she so beautifully shares- I will not even attempt to help her. But I will share the bits of this talk that came right up to me and slapped a smile on my heart.
Brenee studied vulnerability, courage, authenticity and shame.
She defined shame as the fear of disconnecting/ disconnection ( from your work, from your love, from your friends). Connecting with something/someone she said, was essential to our existence
She said courage was defined, in its Latin root, as telling the story of who you are with your whole heart
She said the difference between people who felt shame and those who felt connected was that those who felt connected had this sense of worthiness - that concept again- a belief that you are worthy of love and belonging just because you exist. This people , she said were not perfect but had learnt to embrace their vulnerability. She asked a question in her research which I have picked up as my 'sujet du jour':
What Does Vulnerability Mean To You?
The responses Brenee received were different ; asking for help from someone I do not know very well, loving someone even if you do not know if they will love you back, taking a medical test and waiting anxiously for the results, and so on. But those who felt connected embraced their vulnerability, while those who felt shame , attempted to hide it. Vulnerability is essential to real living, and you cannot numb vulnerability without numbing life.
This resonated with me because I realise today, that I really believed that the less people could access you the more respect you got, and the better it was for you. I was closing myself up from hurt- I have been closing myself up from hurt-but at the same time I was closing myself away from healing and happiness. I think there's a proverb like that in many Nigerian languages: if you close your eyes to bad people, good people will walk by and you wont see them. The thing is, on the outside, I give off the air of a strong woman who has life all figured out, but in truth I am terribly sensitive inside, and easily hurt. And I hate how easy it is to hurt me so I try to hide my vulnerability. I withdraw physically and emotionally, and hide in myself.
But the thing that Brenee is saying , and the thing about life, is that you cannot really live, until you live OUT LOUD. Flaws and all. (Funny, I was watching a TV show today, anchored by a metrosexual guy and two sophisticated ladies. I know this guy personally and have always thought he had it all together, and had life all figured out. But today, when the ladies on the show teased him about his ashy feet, he confessed that he had never bought a bottle of lotion in his life and that his beauty regimen was to just rub some vaseline on his hands, and comb his hair! Funny enough that endeared me to him because I finally found a flaw that made him human and accessible. And I realised: nobody wants to relate to a superhero!)
The final thing Brenee said that touched my soul was that as parents, our job is not to preserve what we think is the perfection our children were born with. It is to accept their human imperfections but to teach them that despite it all they are worthy of love and belonging.
So as tangible proof that I have imbibed her intangible lesson, I will write my answers to the question, what does vulnerability mean to you.
I was vulnerable when I had an affair with a married man I had met on a work errand for my former boss, who was friends with that boss. I was vulnerable when over a few months, I believed we had developed a connection, and I had fallen for his wit, his intellect and what I considered his generosity. I was vulnerable when he never called me again, and refused to answer my calls, after I slept with him. I was vulnerable when I kept beating myself up, over and over again, refusing to have meaningful interactions with anyone for the past few weeks, for being so weak, so stupid, so immoral.
I am vulnerable when I am out of work . Work is more than a source of income for me, it is an identity and sometimes a refuge from unnecessary entanglements.
I am vulnerable when I feel I cannot control a situation
I am vulnerable when I am broke.
To embrace vulnerability, Brenee says we should love with our whole heart, even without guarantees, allow our real selves be seen, practice gratitude and believe you are enough.
What does vulnerability mean to you?
Chili!
PS.
There's a funny TED video in the video bar if Brenee Brown's talk is not your thing.
So I was just going through the TED app on my phone, for talks I had not watched or listened to yet, and I came across this one. It is Brenee Brown, a researcher , speaking on her findings of the essence of the human existence- vulnerability. As much as I like TED talks, I have never played anyone over and over again- and not especially with limited bandwidth- but I replayed this one thrice. Now, in your spare time you can watch this and hear the gems that she so beautifully shares- I will not even attempt to help her. But I will share the bits of this talk that came right up to me and slapped a smile on my heart.
Brenee studied vulnerability, courage, authenticity and shame.
She defined shame as the fear of disconnecting/ disconnection ( from your work, from your love, from your friends). Connecting with something/someone she said, was essential to our existence
She said courage was defined, in its Latin root, as telling the story of who you are with your whole heart
She said the difference between people who felt shame and those who felt connected was that those who felt connected had this sense of worthiness - that concept again- a belief that you are worthy of love and belonging just because you exist. This people , she said were not perfect but had learnt to embrace their vulnerability. She asked a question in her research which I have picked up as my 'sujet du jour':
What Does Vulnerability Mean To You?
The responses Brenee received were different ; asking for help from someone I do not know very well, loving someone even if you do not know if they will love you back, taking a medical test and waiting anxiously for the results, and so on. But those who felt connected embraced their vulnerability, while those who felt shame , attempted to hide it. Vulnerability is essential to real living, and you cannot numb vulnerability without numbing life.
This resonated with me because I realise today, that I really believed that the less people could access you the more respect you got, and the better it was for you. I was closing myself up from hurt- I have been closing myself up from hurt-but at the same time I was closing myself away from healing and happiness. I think there's a proverb like that in many Nigerian languages: if you close your eyes to bad people, good people will walk by and you wont see them. The thing is, on the outside, I give off the air of a strong woman who has life all figured out, but in truth I am terribly sensitive inside, and easily hurt. And I hate how easy it is to hurt me so I try to hide my vulnerability. I withdraw physically and emotionally, and hide in myself.
But the thing that Brenee is saying , and the thing about life, is that you cannot really live, until you live OUT LOUD. Flaws and all. (Funny, I was watching a TV show today, anchored by a metrosexual guy and two sophisticated ladies. I know this guy personally and have always thought he had it all together, and had life all figured out. But today, when the ladies on the show teased him about his ashy feet, he confessed that he had never bought a bottle of lotion in his life and that his beauty regimen was to just rub some vaseline on his hands, and comb his hair! Funny enough that endeared me to him because I finally found a flaw that made him human and accessible. And I realised: nobody wants to relate to a superhero!)
The final thing Brenee said that touched my soul was that as parents, our job is not to preserve what we think is the perfection our children were born with. It is to accept their human imperfections but to teach them that despite it all they are worthy of love and belonging.
So as tangible proof that I have imbibed her intangible lesson, I will write my answers to the question, what does vulnerability mean to you.
I was vulnerable when I had an affair with a married man I had met on a work errand for my former boss, who was friends with that boss. I was vulnerable when over a few months, I believed we had developed a connection, and I had fallen for his wit, his intellect and what I considered his generosity. I was vulnerable when he never called me again, and refused to answer my calls, after I slept with him. I was vulnerable when I kept beating myself up, over and over again, refusing to have meaningful interactions with anyone for the past few weeks, for being so weak, so stupid, so immoral.
I am vulnerable when I am out of work . Work is more than a source of income for me, it is an identity and sometimes a refuge from unnecessary entanglements.
I am vulnerable when I feel I cannot control a situation
I am vulnerable when I am broke.
To embrace vulnerability, Brenee says we should love with our whole heart, even without guarantees, allow our real selves be seen, practice gratitude and believe you are enough.
What does vulnerability mean to you?
Chili!
PS.
There's a funny TED video in the video bar if Brenee Brown's talk is not your thing.
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