Here and Now


So I resigned.

It happened one foggy morning, May 10th to be precise. As I tell my friends I had reached my BS (bullshit) limit. I was just emotionally and psychologically exhausted.

My boss tried to blame me for not knowing about a conversation he had with another member of staff. (Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently my job description included being psychic.) I was so irritated with his underhand behaviour that I just quit in the email he sent. Even at that he would not let it be and sent a retort telling me what he didn't like about me and how he felt I did not do my job. That was more than I could bear and I sent him a stinker detailing what a useless boss he had been and how it had been a nightmare working with both of them. The letters went back and forth with a lot of mud-slinging and many revelations. I discovered that one of the bosses had a hand in my not being employed in a company I had applied to earlier. I also found out that they had infact been looking for a way to oust me without firing me, hence all the going behind my back, but were having difficulties doing do because no other staff was as experienced as I am. I knew then that it was well and truly over...

It's been a number of weeks now since that incident and for the first time in a very long time I can report that I am genuinely happy. The first few days after my resignation were tough because I had that 'what did I just do' feeling. But not now . I think in life you come to a point when you can no longer deceive yourself. Whether you choose to acknowledge it or not is one thing, but that time does come. I just have the intense desire to do what makes me happy, I no longer can continue in unhappiness for whatever's sake. And today, when I woke up I realised that I AM very happy.

When I resigned, I made a list of all the things I wanted to do personally and job-wise, and the things that work prevented me from doing. The items on list A look something like this:

Shoot documentaries
Have a radio show
Work on your professional qualification, etc.

The items on the other list looked like this:

Read 'You must set off at dawn', ' Empire State of Mind', ' Americanah' and other books I have bought but havent had time to read
Travel
Go swimming on a Monday
Exercise at length in the morning


etc

I feel like the whole incident that occurred around my pregnancy and having my daughter was my God-given opportunity to finally refocus my life on the things that matter and pursue my dreams. How long do you think your life will be that you continue slaving, unhappily and without any rewards in a particular job?  A few days after I resigned I wrote this in my journal "I don't want my daughter to grow up and meet me unhappy and dissatisfied with life. I don't want to look back with regret. Already I was forgetting who I am/ was; I cannot concentrate on things for a long period. I have at least 7 books that I have not finished reading, all I want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep".

Right now I am actually broke and unemployed, but these few weeks out of that job has given me such a vitality and zest for life. I do not worry that I do not have money; where I used to take a cab I can walk. I actually like the opportunity to walk because it gives me exercise. If I cannot afford the something I used to buy before I switch to a cheaper alternative. And where I am really in dire need I have friends. ( I know one who surprised me recently and  I am really grateful to him. ) And all that notwithstanding, I will get something- some work- to do eventually.

 I wake up every morning now, genuinely grateful to God for a new day. I eat healthy and I exercise. Before I resigned, I used to wake up angry, and frantically searching for a reason to opt out of work that day. Honestly! I would literally rack my brain to remember what the last excuse for being absent from work was so I didnt repeat it.

I am writing all this, not to seek validation for my resignation, but to remind those of us whose personalities, and hopes and dreams have been buried under heaps of mindless sustenance routines, that God did not design us to live like that. I think the rat race,that frantic scurrying for temporal satisfaction, is a curse. If you can open your heart and mind to what you are here for, only then can you begin to live.

"You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free"

Be free!

Chili!




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