(My) Father's Day
"Every illness, each moment of suffering is an opportunity to say yes to life" - Jeremy Weate
I had a dream on Fathers' day that my dad was standing. I could only see the legs but I knew it was him. It made me wonder if he was about to die. You see my father has not stood by himself since 2004.
I have a morbid fascination with the human condition and what I see as the futility of the philosophical issues related to that. You want to believe there is a point to it all and at other times you wish that point would just go fuck itself! At how little actions add up to a climatic finale later in life, and how some people still fight on, hoping there is a sequel to this tragedy. Caveat: this is going to be a post full of random thoughts.
My dad used to be an impressive- looking man. Even as a child growing up I could tell that that 6 foot tall, dark, army officer that I called Daddy was a fine man. Apparently he knew it too. You see, in work and intellect my father could not be faulted, but as a husband, and consequently a father, he had a lot to learn. (If there ever was a case to be made for fidelity in your marriage and humility, my father's life would be a good example. But putting it down to those two factors may be somewhat simplistic so I should let you judge. Or better still dont judge, just read)
My father worked hard to provide a lot for himself and his family within and without his income as an army officer. We had several houses in Lagos ( Alausa, Ogba, Ikoyi) and in Benin and God-knows- where-else. His downfall began with a moment of indiscretion- no, maybe moment is an underestimation- where he sent his wife- my mother- away from his home to marry another woman who turned out to be his waterloo.My mother consequently reported him to his Commanding Officer (CO) after which he was demoted and eventually retired, a few years after. Of course my mother did not report him just because he had left her for another woman, nor was he retired because of his philandering, which is the stock-in-trade of military men. You see my father had been a chronic philanderer, there were always signs of other women in his life; calls to the house, underwears discovered wby my mum when she came back from a journey, his constant outings, etc. (As a child he sometimes used me to cover-up his dalliances, by taking me with him, but I have memories of being left in a room with someone while he went somewhere else with a lady. I used to detest men who were unfaithful and the whole act of infidelity and would be judge and jury to anyone who I suspected of doing that. But I am one to talk... But I digress)
My father believed that if you had a wife and children, paid their fees and provided food for them, then they should just sit quietly at home, so emotionally, he was quite absent from his kids lives. But with this lady, Nkechi, it was different. He kicked my mum out of the house and she was forced to move into the boys ( servants) quarters, in a room right next to her (former) driver and then he took the children -us- away, separating us by taking my two younger brothers to Warri to live with his brother, put my elder brother in boarding school in Ibadan, and took me with him. My penniless, teacher mum was then left to run around trying to retrieve her children or at least visit them and see how they were faring. When things came to a head, she had to turn to the CO for help.
Being retired from the army was a crushing blow for my father, I believe, especially considering that that was a career he began at the age of 13. And it's probably a testimony to something that my parents came back together after those years but there's a part of me that remains unimpressed. My father continued his wandering ways producing another child with a woman who abandoned the 6 month old shortly after, in his office, and travelled to Italy. (I think it was sometime around this time that I acquired my disdain for the institution of marriage . That is not to say I will deliberately desecrate someone else's marriage - keyword being deliberately- but I have no interest in being married nor have I ever had a thought about how it would be to be married or in a wedding or whatever. Never. But again I digress.)
In retrospect I can see that my dad's tragic flaw is/was that he predicated his worth as a person on his financial capabilities. (To an extent I think we share this characteristic as I identify myself by my work and I become terribly depressed if I am unable to take care of my needs and that of my family. I HATE to have to ask someone for money, HATE IT.) Anyway, driven by this his probably warped perspective of his worth, and after being retired from the army, my dad tried in every way possible to maintain the standards he had set, venturing into all sorts of businesses, refusing to listen to reason, and eventually falling into the hands of dupes. Before we knew it all his landed property had been sold and the money gone into the hands of the dupes; it was as he returned from what would be the last delivery of cash to that them that he had an accident late at night. My brother and my mum received a call close to 12 midnight saying he was on the expressway in his totalled car and he could not move. They had to drive that late to locate him and take him to a hospital. Unfortunately, a combination of chronic diabetes, his stubborness and external family influence prevented him from getting the therapy and surgery he needed. And he became confined first to crutches, then to a wheelchair.
So when I had that dream on Fathers' day, I wondered if it was a bad omen. Sometimes I wonder if he feels frustrated and hopes for it all to end. I havent really seen him happy until a month or so ago when he sold plots of land and had money. He was so happy to give everyone generously, probably ecstatic that he was in that position once more, but the leeches came on him again until all the money ran out. Despite all the faults I am happy he is my father because where he was emotionally absent for me, he has more than made up by being unconditionally present for my daughter, whose father he does not even know.
Happy Fathers' Day Daddy.
More Random
1. What sort of stupid 'agbaya' teacher eats a toddler's piece of chicken? I had to call my daughter's teachers to order when I heard someone ate the piece of chicken put in her lunch box. Who does that? And I heard that after I left one of her teachers grabbed her by her collar and gave her a stern warning so I went back with all guns blazing. There are many mothers with their children in school who advise that you are extremely nice to your child's teachers so they can take care of your child. I think you should be nice, period, because it is the thing to do. But, when you need to put your foot down, make sure it is on someone's neck. My daughter must grow up knowing that she is not helpless.
2. ' Nature's first green is gold'. I probably have posted this poem by Frost, on this blog before. It left me with a lasting impression when my brother first quoted it to me in a birthday card he sent me on my 18th birthday. It reminds me of many things; the transient seeming perfection of a new job, a new love/ relationship, an unexplored novelty; and the crushing disappointment of disillusionment that comes with it 'so Eden sank to grief...nothing gold can stay'. It came to mind again after a recent disappointment. It is childish to assume life should be fair, but maturity does not prevent the feeling of disillusion, it just helps you manage it better. I think the attitude is to stack up all the failures and disappointments on each other, until you have built an emotional pedestal on which you can stand and make your life-inspired speech, and then dance a jig.
3. If you do something God has said is wrong and it immediately backfires can you run back to Him and say sorry? Or do you just stand there and serve your punishment? They say God is with you when you go through storms and trials and the like. Some even say God carries you, that's why you do not see much of him. My question is, how can you- I- believe in that sort of God? I need a very present being, one who is obviously available. Either that or what He is trying to tell us gullible people is that we have more strength than we care to understand, and we can control a lot more than we know to.
4. Insanity = Doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result. Therefore, I am insane. See how much money I have saved on therapy?
(I warned you this was random.)
I had a dream on Fathers' day that my dad was standing. I could only see the legs but I knew it was him. It made me wonder if he was about to die. You see my father has not stood by himself since 2004.
I have a morbid fascination with the human condition and what I see as the futility of the philosophical issues related to that. You want to believe there is a point to it all and at other times you wish that point would just go fuck itself! At how little actions add up to a climatic finale later in life, and how some people still fight on, hoping there is a sequel to this tragedy. Caveat: this is going to be a post full of random thoughts.
My dad used to be an impressive- looking man. Even as a child growing up I could tell that that 6 foot tall, dark, army officer that I called Daddy was a fine man. Apparently he knew it too. You see, in work and intellect my father could not be faulted, but as a husband, and consequently a father, he had a lot to learn. (If there ever was a case to be made for fidelity in your marriage and humility, my father's life would be a good example. But putting it down to those two factors may be somewhat simplistic so I should let you judge. Or better still dont judge, just read)
My father worked hard to provide a lot for himself and his family within and without his income as an army officer. We had several houses in Lagos ( Alausa, Ogba, Ikoyi) and in Benin and God-knows- where-else. His downfall began with a moment of indiscretion- no, maybe moment is an underestimation- where he sent his wife- my mother- away from his home to marry another woman who turned out to be his waterloo.My mother consequently reported him to his Commanding Officer (CO) after which he was demoted and eventually retired, a few years after. Of course my mother did not report him just because he had left her for another woman, nor was he retired because of his philandering, which is the stock-in-trade of military men. You see my father had been a chronic philanderer, there were always signs of other women in his life; calls to the house, underwears discovered wby my mum when she came back from a journey, his constant outings, etc. (As a child he sometimes used me to cover-up his dalliances, by taking me with him, but I have memories of being left in a room with someone while he went somewhere else with a lady. I used to detest men who were unfaithful and the whole act of infidelity and would be judge and jury to anyone who I suspected of doing that. But I am one to talk... But I digress)
My father believed that if you had a wife and children, paid their fees and provided food for them, then they should just sit quietly at home, so emotionally, he was quite absent from his kids lives. But with this lady, Nkechi, it was different. He kicked my mum out of the house and she was forced to move into the boys ( servants) quarters, in a room right next to her (former) driver and then he took the children -us- away, separating us by taking my two younger brothers to Warri to live with his brother, put my elder brother in boarding school in Ibadan, and took me with him. My penniless, teacher mum was then left to run around trying to retrieve her children or at least visit them and see how they were faring. When things came to a head, she had to turn to the CO for help.
Being retired from the army was a crushing blow for my father, I believe, especially considering that that was a career he began at the age of 13. And it's probably a testimony to something that my parents came back together after those years but there's a part of me that remains unimpressed. My father continued his wandering ways producing another child with a woman who abandoned the 6 month old shortly after, in his office, and travelled to Italy. (I think it was sometime around this time that I acquired my disdain for the institution of marriage . That is not to say I will deliberately desecrate someone else's marriage - keyword being deliberately- but I have no interest in being married nor have I ever had a thought about how it would be to be married or in a wedding or whatever. Never. But again I digress.)
In retrospect I can see that my dad's tragic flaw is/was that he predicated his worth as a person on his financial capabilities. (To an extent I think we share this characteristic as I identify myself by my work and I become terribly depressed if I am unable to take care of my needs and that of my family. I HATE to have to ask someone for money, HATE IT.) Anyway, driven by this his probably warped perspective of his worth, and after being retired from the army, my dad tried in every way possible to maintain the standards he had set, venturing into all sorts of businesses, refusing to listen to reason, and eventually falling into the hands of dupes. Before we knew it all his landed property had been sold and the money gone into the hands of the dupes; it was as he returned from what would be the last delivery of cash to that them that he had an accident late at night. My brother and my mum received a call close to 12 midnight saying he was on the expressway in his totalled car and he could not move. They had to drive that late to locate him and take him to a hospital. Unfortunately, a combination of chronic diabetes, his stubborness and external family influence prevented him from getting the therapy and surgery he needed. And he became confined first to crutches, then to a wheelchair.
So when I had that dream on Fathers' day, I wondered if it was a bad omen. Sometimes I wonder if he feels frustrated and hopes for it all to end. I havent really seen him happy until a month or so ago when he sold plots of land and had money. He was so happy to give everyone generously, probably ecstatic that he was in that position once more, but the leeches came on him again until all the money ran out. Despite all the faults I am happy he is my father because where he was emotionally absent for me, he has more than made up by being unconditionally present for my daughter, whose father he does not even know.
Happy Fathers' Day Daddy.
More Random
1. What sort of stupid 'agbaya' teacher eats a toddler's piece of chicken? I had to call my daughter's teachers to order when I heard someone ate the piece of chicken put in her lunch box. Who does that? And I heard that after I left one of her teachers grabbed her by her collar and gave her a stern warning so I went back with all guns blazing. There are many mothers with their children in school who advise that you are extremely nice to your child's teachers so they can take care of your child. I think you should be nice, period, because it is the thing to do. But, when you need to put your foot down, make sure it is on someone's neck. My daughter must grow up knowing that she is not helpless.
2. ' Nature's first green is gold'. I probably have posted this poem by Frost, on this blog before. It left me with a lasting impression when my brother first quoted it to me in a birthday card he sent me on my 18th birthday. It reminds me of many things; the transient seeming perfection of a new job, a new love/ relationship, an unexplored novelty; and the crushing disappointment of disillusionment that comes with it 'so Eden sank to grief...nothing gold can stay'. It came to mind again after a recent disappointment. It is childish to assume life should be fair, but maturity does not prevent the feeling of disillusion, it just helps you manage it better. I think the attitude is to stack up all the failures and disappointments on each other, until you have built an emotional pedestal on which you can stand and make your life-inspired speech, and then dance a jig.
3. If you do something God has said is wrong and it immediately backfires can you run back to Him and say sorry? Or do you just stand there and serve your punishment? They say God is with you when you go through storms and trials and the like. Some even say God carries you, that's why you do not see much of him. My question is, how can you- I- believe in that sort of God? I need a very present being, one who is obviously available. Either that or what He is trying to tell us gullible people is that we have more strength than we care to understand, and we can control a lot more than we know to.
4. Insanity = Doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result. Therefore, I am insane. See how much money I have saved on therapy?
(I warned you this was random.)
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