More matters


Hi,

Na wa o. Today was such a wierd day. Not a wierd day but a kind of difficult day. Ever had such a bad day that you fear the next? Well, that was such a day.I dont normally dread the weekend but I find myself doing that this weekend.
If you read yesterday's blog you'll know part of the reason but the other part is something I hold dear to my really fragile and broken heart. My home and my finances. ( You know, after I wrote the last sentence I went to do sth else and when I came back I blinked in disbelief that I actually wrote those words.)

Anyway, I learnt a valuable lesson yesterday and today. Last night I stopped at an open air bar, where I normally go to avoid traffic, and I met an old friend(?), more like acquaintance, from my brief stint at a business school. Well, after the pleasantries, he accused me of abandoning him, of just cutting him off without any contact info. I didnt deny it, and I tried to explain why I did that. I told him that I felt he was not an effective leader in the school.He was the co ordinator of the whole school. I cited an example of when one of my classmates was rude to him, and he took it too personally. And that was where it got interesting.

This guy explained and argued, with all his power and might, about how he said and did the right thing, how he was absolutely right about the situation, how he would never concede to feeling wrong, etc. I tell you we were there for over 45 minutes with him trying to prove his point to me. At some point I walked into my car, in a bid to leave, and he followed me and continued pressing his point! A point which I already felt he was wrong on about 2 years ago, and which I was feeling was wrong again because of his unyielding stance.

But that is not the issue. As he spoke I began to notice something. I could see myself in him! You see, a lot of people complain that I never accept when I am wrong, or that I fail to see other perspectives, and I know it is true but most times I just cant help it. Years of disappointment and hurt-and I am not excusing my behaviour- have trained me to always be suspicious of anyone and any perspective. And to justify my sometimes unwarranted behaviour to these people whose perspectives I refuse to see, I argue and argue endlessly.
So listening to that guy yesterday I realised that its not just pointless to waste energy on that sort of vehemence, its also ugly. I remembered something I read in a magazine. It involved an exercise. They said write down three things which you feel strongly about, and on which you refuse to yield. These are your principles, anything else is not worth fighting over. And I can tell you, thinking of even one was a task!
So back to this guy, well he is supposed to be a sweet and gentle person, but I'd always felt that was a mask for something else. Lat night I saw it. A stubborness that is generated out of fear. Tonight I will face my fears and write those things. And then I will stop fighting.

So help me God.

Have a good weekend.

Chili

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