I had just taken about two hours out to write this blog out carefully, generating about 7 paragraphs, when the unthinkable happened.Everything got wiped off because I inadvertently pressed the 'back' button! What this means therefore is that I cant tell you the gist I wanted to tell you. Simple.Its not your fault or mine. I just believe that incidents do not just occur. There is always a purpose or a conspiracy theory .
Anyway its another Monday and the daily grind resumes. As a rule, I dont really feel much for Mondays except for the fact that I always feel like I need more sleep. But today I need a little more than sleep I need medication. I have a cold, a really terrible one, but I know ' this too shall pass'.
Speaking of 'passing' something passed over the weekend and I will 'claim' it cos I wont let the devil 'steal my joy'. I sound like 'them' now, dont I? But this is really a serious matter and I want to discuss it with you.
I like to go to church because, somehow, it gives me a sense of belonging and achievement, but for the past few weeks I found out that I couldnt or wouldnt go. Anyway, yesterday I made an effort to go although I knew it was the first Sunday of the month, aand a thanksgiving sunday at that. Now I have nothing against giving thanks to God but I think that that kind of pre-planned thanksgiving is misguided. Why start jubilating because its a new month or new year? Doesn't the bible clearly tell us that God doesn't see time the way we do? Anyway that's another matter for another day. But this was the spirit in which I went to church on Sunday. I was quite late, which is not unusual but I quickly sat down and waited for the sermon.
Now when it was time for the sermon An old lady pastor walked to the pulpit. Now when I see this woman come to preach I feel elated because I know she speaks from her heart. And every time she speaks she seems to address a vice that I am struggling with.
Sunday's message was on Forgiveness. Immediately she said the word I smiled. If there is anything I struggle with, and indeed hold on to, it's malice. As at Sunday, I had a long list of people I never wanted to see, speak to or relate with again. Its a defence mechanism that has become an art for me. So the lady spoke about this vice and at the end of the day called out for those who felt they had a real issue with forgiveness to come to the pulpit to be prayed for. I didnt go because I was too ashamed to be seen in that light as I dont think anyone has as bad a problem as I do. But while people went I was not amazed that most of them were women. which brings me to the issue:what is it about emotions? Intangible stimulants that can cause wars. someone utters words, words that cannot be replayed and we immediately feel so bad we could commit suicide. So bad that we sign off on them- permanently. Or so we think, until something makes us sign on again.
A friend once described malice-keeping to me very vividly. Let's say someone stabbed you in the back with a knife. Keeping malice is like taking that knife and thinking, this girl/man stabbed me like this( and you stab yourself again) he didnt even think to stab me like this(and you stab again) or like this( and you stab again) or even in the back ( and you go again). Hilarious, I guess, but that is the truth.
Well, I guess I should take my own advice. I still have the people on my list to settle with and I'm telling God that if they come to me I won't turn them back but I don't want to go myself. I should have stepped to the pulpit yesterday. God help me. That's tha reason I'm called Chili pepa.