Grey Matters

Oprah Winfrey, Madeleine Albright, Dora Akunyili, Tyra Banks, Beyonce, Debra L. Lee. When I pray, those rare moments when I can string my sentences together and tell God what I want/hope/feel, I never ask too be like these people. I feel that there can only be one of anyone in the world. You are the only you, and that is what you are meant to be. This morning when I prayed, being that it was New Year's Eve, I prayed for the New year. I thanked God for the fantastic things he did for me this year and I asked for a consolidation. Not for prosperity, because I know that will come, I asked to fulfill my purpose. you see, this year, I took the step into the unknown and came out smelling roses. What I needed, waht I want, is a chance to use what the Lord has put in me to make my presence on earth beneficial to a few. This evening, God answered me. It is the BET honors ceremony. They were honouring black people who haave contributed a lot to the American growth and Tyra was one of ...

Hi Y'all At the beginning of this year all I could think of was how long it would take for me to have done a year on my job (then) so that I could resign. Luckily for me the months raced on, helped along by several things I had to do then, and I made progress and eventually made my way out. To Kenya. It just happened that another company wanted me for a job in Nairobi, so off to Kenya I went. It also turned out that the company had several issues so what would have been a working trip turned into an all-expenses paid holiday, and what would have been my next job tuned into a one-month stint. So I left for uncertainty, and chickenpox. I've never been as grateful to have an illness as I was to have chicken pox at the time I did. I was able to look critically at my life and decide what directions I would and would not go, and the universe heard me because everything just fell into place, including another all-expenses paid trip abroad. Then I fell and dislocated my ankle, bu...

Wazzap!! So a lot has changed in my life over the past few months. MTV had taken full control of the wheel that's one. And love-wise all the exes were coming out of the woodwork. well almost all, the professional Ex hasn't come round yet- but, all the same, I have Snuffy, Pied Piper and Ex to think about. And I can only compare them to animals. There's this 'quiz' we used to do in University which was said to be an extract from a psychologist's questions. You asked the person several questions, including favorite animal and colour, and the answers helped you understand the person's character. I was always a cat lover, even though I gravitated towards dogs at times. EX I will liken to an exotic cat. A black panther or something. The type you stand in awe of and are attracted to at the same time. If it comes to you and allows you stroke it, you feel blessed, and you ar eonly too happy to let it be until the next time it indulges you a bit. Pied Piper is like ...

Nature's First Green Is Gold The Hardest Hue To Hold. Her Early Leaf's A Flower; But Only So An Hour. Then Leaf Subsides To Leaf. So Eden Sank To Grief, So Dawn Goes Down To Day. Nothing Gold Can Stay. Robert Frost, 1928 My first contact with this poem was on my - I think it was my 18th?- birthday. My elder brother had written it out in the card he sent me. (A beautiful card that had a tree which looked like it had just been touched by autumn: leaves of gold, red,brown and some green.) My initial reaction when I saw that poem was glee. My elder brother had always been a bit stand-offish and a loner. He is also a highly cerebral and intelligent person, so I felt proud that he would see me that way as well by quoting some classics for me. After reading it though, I did not know whether to be offended or amused or concerned. I still don't. I had always felt a sense of disapproval coming from him, but I chose to ignore it. It didn't help that my parents - especially my mo...

'Elo Luv, Here's a brief glimpse into my aspirations, my demons and my future (hopefully). I WISH I... Had my own house, in a nice part of town, where the taps actually let out water! Had a cat , or maybe that should be less illiterate neighbours who do not see a cat as an evil sign. (They are illiterate, not superstitious) Had a car that would double as a van, a 4by4, a pick-up and luxury vehicle when I need it. (Or just another car would be fine , actually.) Didn't have to clean up as much- or didn't hate house cleaning so much Wasn't always skimping and saving especially when I so want to be generous with my family. Didn't have this nagging feeling that time is running out on me. (I've had that feeling ever since I can remember and it has kept me from doing some pseudo-important things and hasn't pushed me enough to do the important ones.) Had a boyfriend -so, there! I said it. Not the modern types that seem to come from a fac...

Dear God, Thank you for it all. I am so used to chasing after the next new thing that I fail to see all I have in my kitty. Thank you for work, you know my work is my life. Thank you that the dollar is so familiar to me, even though I live in Nigeria ( you know what I mean). Thank you for the courage to walk away from dead-end jobs without a plan for tomorrow - the very thing Snuffy advised against. Thank you for creating a massive opening for me thereafter, one I would never have been able to imagine or achieve by myself. Thank you for my ambition to do more, that makes everything I have already done negligible, to me. Thank you for my food, it has always been an important part of my physical and psychological development. Thank you for chocolates; how would I have sat through some useless TV programs, or survived the Enugu shoot? Thank you for coke, which it can go it's own way now. It was great while it lasted, though. Thank you for fresh fruits, foodstuff, and vegetables. For c...

You've come a long way Baby, I never quite understood those adverts as a child, but now as an adult I so desperately want to say those words to myself. And mean them. But..... If I pay for the living room who pays for the ceiling? And the roof? Five years is too long to stay in this sort of place. I grew up under the wings of some fantastic mentors. Many if not all, male. I sensed that I was being groomed for something big, and I thought by now I'd be grooming others. Now, 15 years later, I'm yet to see it. It' s getting kinda late to discover myself, isn't it? 'Who do people say I am?' Which is better, being wealthy without social responsibility/ relevance, or being popular or socially relevant without financial strength? So if I wanted to maintain focus what would I have focused on then? How do you maintain your self-respect and integrity if you stay in a man's company without a salary? Or continue working for a person who pays you the barest minim...

I don't know if I wrote that right but I meant to say the death of the joy of life. I noticed it about a week after he was gone... From my mind that is. Despite our very vibrant sex life I never once recalled any of our 'sessions'. It seemed that I had put everything that related to him out of my mind, because even when I tried all I got were very tiny bits of vague memories. And it's still like that now. And not just with him, but with any man. No man including The Ex turns me on. ( Well, M did for a hot minute, but without follow up it went as it came.) I know my heart is still mourning. And my body sympathises... It just bothers me 'cos it came out of nowhere, and I wonder if I'll ever know what it's like to feel it again. Not the feeling of lust - that's easy to get- but the feeling of abandon and ecstasy and security that comes with knowing someone has got your back, somewhere. Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

So I know that I am famous for taking forever in making my decisions but this takes the cake. Really. I feel like I am in the middle of a major change in my life's direction. I feel that whatever decision I take now is absolutely crucial to my way forward for the rest of my life. In the next few months I will either go bust or get the best direction I need in my life. I hope I will not be making a mistake, cos it seems as if when I make one decision, I should have made another. And I feel so alone cos there's no-one but my immediate family standing by me. And my best friend's. God bless them both. Lord help me; to see results from my labour in whatever direction, to see beyond my limitations and to break through the dark clouds. Amen Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

She's really gone. I cannot believe it. It's been 5 long years of closeness, and I saw her almost everyday! She was with me when one reckless lorry driver ran into us because he had no brakes. She came out slightly bruised and I badly shaken. She was there when I gave rides to the German film crew, the Endemol team, Uncle Olu Jacobs, Aunty Taiwo Ajai Lycet, and so on. She suffered with me through Aunty Bisi's maniacal driving, through those early mornings when we went seeking interviews with victims of human rights violations, through the different indifferent 'boyfriends', through my struggle for survival and unemployment. I remember when Daddy met her he wept with joy, happy at his daughter's maturity. And now she's gone. I know I let her go but it was reluctantly. I knew she had passed her prime, and was becoming more of a burden. I watched as strangers opened her up and rummaged through her insides, inspecting her almost disrespectfully. But I...

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be- and believe me I thought and thought. About what I would be missing (nothing), about what I would be losing (regular ...) About everything. There was no arguement, maybe because I didn't give room for any. Then it ended. I can't lie, I felt bad. It's not easy handling the idea that you are not worth fighting for. Then I heard the story, and it confirmed all my worst fears. My friend's husband is at it again o. This guy is a notorious flirt, we thought he would relax when he got hitched but things took a turn for the worse. His most insensitive escapade was with his brother-in-law's girlfriend. It's not as distant as it seems, the guy is his wife's brother who lives in the same house with them. At the same time he was asking his wife's colleague/employee out. That matter ended- until now. Today she told me she was looking for a house. To move out to. Alone. Apparently her husband is on an extended trip ab...

It's possible it's me. I've been accused of being a perfectionist, having unrealistic expectations and views of life. A little part of me agrees with that. I see that I regularly get disappointed and dissatisfied with both mine and others results. But the other part of me rebels against that idea. In several aspects of my life I don't ask for much. A lot of people including Snuffy have said so. I know it myself. I just need to be above average. It's in my work that I attempt perfection; and like it or not, I (believe that I) am defined by my work- and that is how I assess everyone else. I lie on my bed in this hotel room in Port Harcourt, on yet another business trip, apprehensive of the outcome of the assignment I am about to execute. Not because it is necessarily technical or voluminous but because the clients are problematic and keep changing ideas at every possible moment , without regard to the practicability of the idea. And I can't even as much as threate...

I flew off the bed and ran to the toilet. The excruciating pain had begun again. On the toilet seat naked, I realised it was just pain, I didn't need to go. But I sat there anyway. My head in my arms, thinking and staring. He knocked on the door and came in, I jumped, startled. Caught in the act, he said, I thought you never sit and stare. I smiled. He said I'm sorry baby I know you want to be alone in this situation (laugh) but I just wanna sit with you for a minute. Are you ok?, he asks sitting on the edge of the bathtub? I nod my answer. Are you sure? Yes, why do you think I'm not? You've been asking me all night. Yes, so are you? Yes darling, I'm fine. Ok, he says and he bends down and kisses me, french kiss with my dragon breath and all. I decide I'll take a bath afterwards, and he comes in again, looks at me and says you're having a bath? Without me? I smile. Then he looks me in the eyes and says Baby, do I make you happy? Are you happy? And I am n...

Hiya All, I have to tell this story or else God might become angry with me. It was a rather funny and nice incident that occured at Easter, and just when I had given up on the individual in question. If you live in Nigeria you already know that we had a loooooong weekend last week. I was so looking forward to it because I needed sleep like mad. So on Friday I did nothing but sleep all day. On Saturday my plan was to get my house cleaned and then sleep some more. Those plans were interrupted by a phone call from my darling Snuffy. He started by accusing me of abandoning him and not taking care of him, saying he was ill and I didn't even bother to ask him how he was feeling, blah, blah, blah. I reminded him that it was possible that I had given up on him. That launched another long monologue after which he asked what my plans were and invited me to 'come out'. At first I shrugged that statement off and continued rambling on. He said it again and caught my attention. Where ...

I feel ashamed and guilty to complain about my relationship. The shame comes from the fact that I am speaking about it to strangers over and over again. (I imagine they are saying " enough already, dump the twit and let's have peace". I can't for the life of me get why I feel guilty -and it has nothing to do with me feeling that I have something to do with it- but I feel it anyway. I'm sad today, really unhappy. I wish I could say I don't know what to do... But I do. I want to go through the process of losing weight-and develop the confidence, health and happiness that comes with it. I want to move house- I'm tired of this rat-infested, dilapidated, ugly house. I want to feel like I am making a difference in my or someone else's life. I want to feel like my existence is necessary for something or important to someone. I called him this evening to invite him to accompany me to a tv show I was to appear on. Not as a guest just for moral support. He didn...

Hi Everyone, It's been a while, yeah? A lot has happened. A lot that I want to blog about, but half the time when I try to write I lose my gusto. AnywayI read something that got me a little worried. It's about smoking and you can read it on Jeremy's blogspot here. Now if you do read it, please go as far as to click on the link in that blog and see the BBC story on smoking. That is the issue today. I'm not a smoker. I really DO NOT like cigarette fumes and I'm slightly asthmatic. I understand that lung cancer and emphysema are deadly killers. So any moves to get me away from the pollution caused by cigarettes is welcome. That said, however, I have lots of friends that smoke, male and female. And I love them so much that I will hang around them even if it means falling a bit ill. That is a choice I have made BY MYSELF. Not because someone made me, or because of excessive advertising by the tobacco companies. So what I don't understand is why people wh...

I'm choking again I can't breathe It's these walls My defences, my protection My barriers. They are caving in Again. And at the time when they were only picket fences Merely demarcating my personal space. Now they mark the premises of my reluctant prison. Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN